Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Dan Wald Does Not Ship.

El Segundo, CA

"Ship or die!"

"You're either a 1 or a 0; a shipper or not."

"I'm a    S H I P S T R"

These are some of the many slogans posted on Dan Wald's cubicle. And yet, in the face of mounting pressure, under strenuous deadlines, despite working twelve hour days for three weeks straight, Dan Wald went against the grain and did not ship. "It's unexplainable," said Mr. Wald's boss, "Dan works like no other. Sometimes I tell him to go home, and yet he stays. One time we even paid him to go home. To get him out the door at night, we have to leave little food trails to lure him to his car. I think they may be his only source of nourishment - he loves the jujubes, by the way, we got him to walk out a window with those once. But to think that he didn't ship... well, that really is unsettling." Months had passed since Wald had last shipped, although he was previously riding a wave of success from his previous shipping. But with no shipping date in sight, Wald's behavior grew erractic and focused, with employees saying "it's like he was two people, because he was working two shifts."

Coworkers agree that although Dan works constantly, he was unable to ship. Michael Kramer commented, "I heard that he was working so hard, he became clairvoyant. I mean like he was having visions and shit - like aliens telling him to put the satellites together in certain ways. Now we have one with a pair of antlers on it because he was 'told' that they were needed to protect it from space sharks or some DS like that." When asked about Wald's failure to ship, Kramer tensed his face and muttered something under his breath and finally said succinctly, "unacceptable. not from Wald; not from anyone." Wald had apparently been trying to ship for some time now, but was waylaid by numerous technical glitches and round-the-clock testing. Prior to his failure, he had been expecting to ship in just a few short days. No one knows when he will ship now, or even if he will ship again.

However, rumor has it that Wald in fact did ship, but did so secretly. Given that Wald's performance was pure work, some speculate that he actually shipped himself, with some even saying he shipped himself to Hawaii. Wald was unable to comment on these rumors as he was at the time working - but not shipping.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

After angering the Aztec god Huitzilopochtli, Dan Wald watches in horror as the moon gets eaten

Los Angeles, CA

Standing on the roof of his house, a single tear rolled down the cheek of Dan Wald as the last crescent sliver of the moon disappeared. "The moon's been eaten and it's all my fault."

The prior week, Wald had travelled Tijuana to work at an orphanage where he managed to uncover an ancient Aztec burial ground. After archaeologists spent the next few hours excavating a local woman approached the site and inquired why the site of her ancestors was being desecrated. Having been informed that Wald uncovered the find, she addressed the entire team, "Our great god Huitzilopochtli has seen our tears for too long. You Mr. Wald will be the first to witness his vengeance on those that malign us. In two weeks you will see his greatness as he eats the moon!" According to witnesses, she then vanished, although she was later seen with her dog selling potatoes in a market stand.

Much of this would have remained outside the public view except for what Mr. Wald did in the coming few days. "I remember looking up that night and thinking that nothing could destroy the moon. It was a really full moon that night, and it may have been the last time I would ever see it that full," recounted Wald. "The next few days I noticed that moon was getting slimmer. Not by much, but it seemed like something was making it smaller. I started getting worried and asked a friend if the moon was smaller and she said yes, so then I really started getting nervous. I mean if the moon did disappear...how could I replace something like that," exclaimed an misty-eyed Wald. In fact, he would try to replace it.

"I bought the biggest spot light I could find and then I got this moon-silhouette transparency and put it over the light," said Wald of his plan. Aimed right at where the moon should have been, the light was bright enough that his neighbors began complaining. Moreover, Wald hadn't taken into account that he would need multiple spot lights so that the moon would still appear full from all vantage points. Even worse, the moon was partly visible during the day, when the spot light was ineffective. "I had to put all these moon window-clings on all the windows at work. They worked for the most part, except I had to move them every hour to keep in sync with the moon's position. Stupid moon had go and get eaten...," recounted Wald of his days in the office. Eventually, facing nine digit costs from the spot lights and unable to keep his crushing work schedule while at the same time moving hundreds of moon window-clings, Wald gave up his plan and decided to face the public with his blame. "I called the LA Times and said that I had make a public confession to make but when I explained that I was responsible for the moon being eaten the line went dead," said Wald. For a time Wald thought that Huitzilopochtli had actually taken to personally interfering but after being hung up on several times, he realized that they just didn't care. "I knew they would care when they saw the moon getting eaten"

While no one heeded his message of doom and pleas to find a way to stop Huitzilopochtli from devouring the rest of the moon. Missing from the equation was the fact that the moon was simply undergoing its monthly waxing and waning and why Wald failed to realize this. "No! The moon is getting eaten. It doesn't get smaller normally, it just goes to the southern hemisphere or something. I'm not a moon scientist or anything so I don't know the details. Ask a moon scientist where it goes any other time, but this time I can tell you that it's going into Huitzilopochtli's stomach!" stated Wald. No moon scientists were available for comment at the time of this post.

On the last night before the moon was devoured, Wald poured himself a drink and gazed longingly at the what would drive him into hiding. "I've been thinking that when the moon disappears, I will also disappear," said Wald, "because I don't want to be found when the moon doesn't come back." We attempted to describe to Wald the phases of the moon and that despite his worst fears, the moon would begin to appear but he would hear none of it.

Climbing down off his roof, now with no moonlight to aid him, Wald stepped into his car, which was packed with supplies and stated, "I'm going to where there is no sky. I'm going to a windowless land, like mole man underground." When pressed about where he would go and if he would ever return, he sighed, saying, "actually, I'm just going back to work. They put up a sleeping tube for me there. I probably have enough work that I can just stay there working until this whole thing blows over. I have faith that the moon scientists will come find a way to bring the moon back little by little despite Huitzilopochtli's hunger. Even if he eats it again, they'll find a way to bring it back again and again." They may find a way sooner than he thinks.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Dan Wald Initiates Unprecidented Step-ladder Brinkmanship

Los Angeles, CA

In what would be the defining moment in a new era of agression, Dan Wald placed an unfolded metal step ladder in front of David Jurgens' door earlier this morning. Upon waking and exiting his room, Mr. Jurgens noticed the ladder in front of his door and quickly moved it to be in front of the bathroom door. Little did Wald, who was at the time in the bathroom, know that he would in minutes come face to face with the ladder he had placed earlier. Upon exiting the bathroom, Mr. Wald removed the ladder, and then placed it back in the same spot due to Mr. Jurgens entering the bathroom. Such hostile actions were unheard of before now, but in a chaotic agressive move, Wald chose to keep moving the ladder closer, commenting, "I thought it would be funny." With such garrish actions the norm for the morning, it was no surprise when Mr. Jurgens escalated the ladder war with a move-the-ladder-to-next-to-dan salvo that nearly shook the entire house. Wald responded with a blistering move where he placed the ladder in front of the door Mr. Jurgens had just exited to change his laundry. Almost immediately Jurgens initiated a sharp, two-part counter attack where he side-stepped the ladder, and then in an amazing feat, placed the ladder so that it would block Wald into a kitchen corner. Trapped with no where to go, Wald did the unthinkable and picked up the ladder and moved it to the center of the room. Man cannot comprehend what the action meant but some strategicians suggest it was to signal that no matter where Jurgens went, the ladder would follow. Others suggest that it was a sign of peace since the ladder was now in the open. A small minority argue that Wald had actually set up a multi-move strategy to lure Jurgens near the ladder and then keep him trapper there by circling around him. Regardless of the intent, the ladder stayed there, with uneasy eyes watching its every moves until both had left the house.

Upon returning home, the ladder had disappeared. Could it have been taken with one of men as a gesture of workplace warface? Was the ladder hidden somewhere, only to have it return in a blitz krieg attack? In fact, Mr. Clark had picked up the ladder and placed folded up in the hallway leaning against a wall. Clark had somehow managed to sleep what would become of the finest examples in brinkmanship and upon awaking had moved the ladder out of the way. When the earlier morning battle was recounted, Mr. Clark only commented, "fuckers should've put it away when they were done being gay with each other." History will see it otherwise.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Dressed as the sabertooth "Smile-O-Don", Dan Wald Angers Local Paleontologists

La Brea, CA

In an effort to enlighten children about the Pleistocene Epoch, Dan Wald dressed as the sabertooth cat smilodon, which he jokingly titled "Smile-O-Don." Smilodon, which existed during the early part of the Quaternary Period was a large cat capable of bringing down Mastodons and other large animals. Although smilodon were some of the top predators in their day, Mr. Wald only served as prey for a local group of paleontologists who decided to wage a war of informational correctness against him. Dr. John C. Merriam, leader of the anti-Wald/Smile-O-Don group stated, "Smile-O-Don? What kind of shit name is that? We're here to teach accuracy and Mr. Wald isn't part of that agenda." While wearing his sabertooth tiger outfit, Mr. Wald was known for teaching small children about all variety of creatures that lived during "his time" while visiting the La Brea tar pits. Sitting in a semi-circle around him, Mr. Wald weaved stories of giant rhinocerous and scheming wolves all while singing to children. One parent reported that her daughter would come home from the tar pits singing,

Back in The Quarternary Period was a big old cat
His name was Smile-O-Don and he had stripes on his back.
Although he took down game with his big old teeth,
He was nice and a friend to meeee.

It was around that time Dr. Merriam discovered Mr. Wald had been performing his free paleolithic sing-a-longs and decided to mobilize other paleontologists in the area to put a stop to them. "Learning is about understanding the concepts and for cock's sake, spelling the name right. These children know nothing of the other thylacosmilids that roamed these plains. Smilodon underwent convergent evolution before going extinct; Mr. Wald won't even get that lucky." When asked about Dr. Merriam's coment, Mr. Wald responded, "I am happy because I eat meat. Big cats need it to keep their coats neat. Smile-O-Don was master of his day. Or at least he hopes you think of him that way," although it is unknown if he was speaking in character at the time.

Reportedly, during one of Mr. Wald's sing-a-long sessions, the paleontologists confronted him, "the truth about smilodon cannot come from an impure vessel such as yourself," to which Mr. Wald sang, "During the ice age it got really cold. Big predators like me didn't fit the mold." Upon hearing his non-direct response, the local paleontologists picked up Mr. Wald and threw him into the tar pits. According to witnesses at the scene, children began screaming for Smile-O-Don to save himself. The paleontologists chided them, saying that smilodon could do nothing to save himself from his evolutionary fate. Thankfully a local man dove into the tar pits and drug Mr. Wald out. Infuriated by his rescue, Dr. Merriam screamed, "you didn't survive the ice age and you won't surive the fire-age either!" and then ignited the saber-tooth costume. Thinking that water might save him, Mr. Wald dove back into the tar pits - apparently forgetting that they were tar - and inadvertently set fire to the tar pits themselves.

Again the local man rescued Mr. Wald from the tar pits and managed to remove him from the then melting costume. Mr. Wald stumbled from the smoldering heap and mumbled, "Smile-O-Don won't get his deposit back. Paleontologists should kiss my, " and then went unconscious having been slapped by Dr. Merriam, who yelled "extinct species should stay dead, especially those with incorrectly spelled names!" As paleontologists went in for the kill, children surrounded Mr. Wald and sang "it's not his fault they went extinct; even smilodon's existence was on the brink." Thanks to the children's efforts, rescue workers were able to extract Mr. Wald and move him to a nearby hospital, while the remaining park visitors gazed on in horror as the paleontologists changed into Cenozoic-themed costumes and tried instructing the children. Despite their effort, paleontologists were unable to convince any children to sing with them, which in part was due their "corny lyrics" and also due to their close proximity to the now-blazing tar pits.

Since the incident, Mr. Wald has reworked his educational agenda. "Smile-O-Don was a thing of the past, I guess. I mean it went extinct. Those paleontologists woke me up to the issues of today. Now instead of focusing on educating children about the past, I need to focus on those things that need to be saved today. I'm now redoubling my efforts on saving the several species of wild orchid. I've got several variations on the same costume and it's rather easy to physically represent several species in a matter of days." Children have been rather shy to respond to a singing orchid, but Wald has hopes that they'll come around, "I mean there's at least one kid that sings the 'orchids are beautiful as they are rare; so let's plant gardens and then take care' song with me, so I imagine there will be more in time." Unbeknownst to Mr. Wald, the child was actually a catfish-shaped mailbox and was merely reflecting the sound of his voice. Local botanists have remained largely neutral towards Mr. Wald's campaign with the exception of a small group of mischievous botanist occasionally picking up Mr. Wald while in costume and then planting him firmly in the ground.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Dan Wald named to Efficiency Hall of Fame

by Tim Wilkening

Earlier this week, Dan Wald of Los Angeles, California, was named the newest member of the Efficiency Hall of Fame. I caught up with Dan at his home to see what makes this human model of efficiency tick. During the interview, Dan remained focused on his dual-monitor computer, frantically working on machine schematics.

Tim: “Mr. Wald, how does an obsession with efficiency affect your day-to-day life?”

Dan: “I have done several things in my spare time. The one I am most proud of was a perpetual motion machine I built out of Legos and empty milk cartons. I had to scrap it though because Brad said I had to obey the laws of thermodynamics. Other projects include traffic lanes for shopping malls. I also have a cologne.”

Tim: “Rumor has it that you sleep 20 minutes per day. How is it that you sleep so little?”

Dan: “I’ve spent a considerable amount of time learning to compartmentalize my brain and to control its use. The human brain comprises 2% of a normal person’s body mass, yet it consumers nearly 20% of its energy. This is an unacceptable efficiency ratio! I just mimic what a shark does when it’s sleeping. And right now, during lame-ass interviews like this, I shut down 90% of my brain in order to conserve energy. After awhile I’ve stored so much extra energy I don’t have to sleep.”

Tim: “After winning this prestigious Efficiency award, what will you do next?”

Dan: “I’ve considered numerous things that would improve my Personal Efficiency Factor, or ‘PEF’ as I call it. I’ve decided not to use many of my ideas, however, usually because although they would save me time in my day, they come at significant opportunity cost. Automation for the sake of automation usually isn’t a good idea. Marginal return must be considered. MARGINAL RETURN!”

The ‘PEF’ improvement that put Mr. Wald into the Efficiency Hall of Fame was an RFID [radio frequency identification] chip implanted into his neck. It transmits information to a nearby mainframe such as location, walking speed and biological information, such as thirst and hunger. Surrounding machines make the appropriate adjustments to maintain Mr. Wald’s optimal efficiency. For example, the lights in Mr. Wald’s home turn on when he is in the room, and turn off when he leaves. This annoys the shit out of his roommates, but it saves approximately $0.06 per day in energy costs (depending on the time of year) and considerable time saved operating light switches. Lights will turn on in advance depending on how quickly Dan is walking—the machine is programmed to infer when Dan is in a hurry and it will make guesses as to where Dan might be going in order to minimize lost time due to dark rooms.

Tim: “What is it about efficiency and productivity that you value so highly?”

Dan: “Productivity is a way of life—a moral code. It is a constant process by which I acquire information and transform my surroundings according to my mind. Cleanliness is NOT next to godliness. Fuck cleanliness. Efficiency! Productivity!”

The reader should note that at this point in the interview, Mr. Wald paused for approximately 0.7 seconds—the maximum length of time Mr. Wald allows himself to pause in normal conversation. After this point, Mr. Wald responded to questions only by raising one finger or making a fist. I can only assume Mr. Wald’s PEF evolved during that 0.7 seconds, and now all answers are simplified to a binary response--a 1 for TRUE or 0 for FALSE.

Tim: “Congratulations again, Mr. Wald. I hope you agree this has been a worthy use of your time and brain resources.”

Mr. Wald continued to work, only raising his hand to make a fist, indicating a FALSE response. After awhile, Mr. Wald raised his middle finger. Perhaps he reconsidered.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

DS reaches maximum MP

At approximately 8:30 pm on Tuesday evening, upon consuming his 5th ether in a span of 82 seconds, DS realized that he had reached his maximum MP for the timebeing.

"I realized I had reached maximum MP when I attempted to drink another can of ether but upon tilting my head back, the room became temporarily fuzzy and I heard a buzzing noise in my head," DS explained at a press conference. "I then realized that I could not physically consume any more ether for the timebeing so I put it back in the fridge."

DSs''ss's' roommate, David Jurgens, recalled the incident as well: "I heard a scream so I went downstairs to the kitchen to witness Dan pouring ether all over his face and the kitchen floor while shaking and yelling." Jurgens explained that at first, he thought Dan was going into shock, and that he would have to make use of his CPR training, but then Dan stopped and spit some of the ether back in the can and replaced it in the fridge, much to Jurgens' displeasure.

"I am glad he had the sense to save the ether for later consumption if he wasn't going to drink it," said Jurgens, "but I really wanted to make use of my CPR training. I suppose I'll just have to wait until he falls asleep."

Much to Jurgens' dismay, DS did not fall asleep in the near future and his ether conservation efforts proved shortlived. After drinking the ether, Dan immediately began DASHing around the living room, executing multi-hit combos on inanimate objects and the neighbor's cat (Sir Kensington), and then returned immediately to the fridge to recharge. These actions continued well into the evening and morning hours, and finally, Brad, Dave, and Mrs. Penniworth (nextdoor neighbor and owner of Sir Kensington) were forced to restrain Dan.

"I don't understand," said Brad, "I would have thought that reaching his maximum MP would cause him to drink less ether, not more."

DS explained to them that upon reaching maximum MP, he realized that his tolerance was far too low, and only by expending his Energy and drinking more would he be able to increase his max MP and cast more awesomer spells and execute new devistating combo attacks.

Mrs. Penniworth, however, was unsatisfied with DS's'sss's explaination and suggested that instead of expending all his Energy on combos on her poor Sir Kensington, he could instead cast auras to increase he and his neighbors' defenses and other such indirect magic. "My Sir Kensington was knighted by the queen," exclaimed Mrs. Penniworth. "She is not only precious to me, but is well-respected all throughout Britain." At this point, DS executed a "brutal" 9 hit combo on the old lady.

"I use my powers for awesome, not for good" declared DS, who then ran back to the kitchen to recharge.

The Prime Minister has not announced any official retaliatory actions to be taken against DS yet, but he assures the public that they will be "swift and decisive."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

ds, you rock my world

a tribute to ds:

D amn
S weet

what can i say, i'm a woman of few words.

i <3 you ds!

Dan Wald Levels Up

Los Angeles, CA

Late Friday night while cleaning the grill in the backyard, Dan Wald tripped over a turtle and "leveled up" according to his account. "I guess I defeated that turtle, even if it was on accident. I mean, I turned it back over after it happened though because I'm a nice guy," reported Mr. Wald. Among his new-found powers was the ability to produce a flaming ball. "I usually say something like, 'oh fiddlesticks,' when I trip on stuff, but this time I said, 'oh fireball,' and then this big flame thing appeared and set the neighbor's garage on fire. It was hellified-crucial," Mr. Wald continued.

Upon returning inside Mr. Wald showed his two housemates his newly acquired skill, "hey guys, I just leveled up! Check this shit out: FIREBALL!" and sent a flaming ball at the spot where the two were sitting on the couch. Mr. Clark responded, "Oh shit! You just set the couch on fire!" while Mr. Jurgens said nothing as he was also set on fire by Mr. Wald and was now rolling on the floor trying to put the flames out. The two quickly threw all remaining Diet Mountain Dew on the couch fire and managed to put it out. "Damn, that was the last of the ether. I guess we should go to the store to get some more," remarked Mr. Wald, while Mr. Jurgens added, "this burn looks pretty bad, I think I need to go to the hospital," and then fainted. Although Mr. Wald tried to argue that they should first get the dew and then swing by the hospital, Mr. Clark drove to avoid any side-trips. In the car Mr. Wald appeared up-beat, saying, "I bet I can catch that leaf pile on fire from inside the car! FIREBA-," but was quickly punched in the crotch by Mr. Clark who demanded that he never try that again while in his car.

In the days after leveling up, Mr. Wald has continued to improve his skill, now only setting fire when useful or as a practical joke. "You should've seen the tech guys' faces when they walked in and their satellite model suddenly burst into flame, and that my-cubicle-caught-fire-just-as-I-was-about-to-print-the-report joke never gets old," commented one co-worker. Wald also now carries a two liter of Diet Mountain Dew in case the fire gets out of control and added, "as a bonus, if the fire doesn't get too bad, I just drink rest of the ether." Mr. Clark has been seen wandering the backyard and close-by parks and has hinted that he is also trying to level up. "I'm working on getting some ice skills. Ice kills fire, right? I mean kills it dead, like DS would have to obey me now because I can shout 'ice' before he can say 'fireball,'" he asserted. Not wanting to wander aimlessly in hopes of leveling up, Mr. Jurgens has resorted to just throwing ice cubes at Mr. Wald's head.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Frustrated Resident Dan Wald to Battle Rapper Jin

Culver City, CA

Local hero Dan Wald today announced that he will challenge Chinese-American rapper Jin in a freestyle MC battle. "Enough with this shit," said frustrated Wald, "I grow tired of this glorified rice jokes passing for rap talent." The fact that Jin is Chinese-American further aggravated Dan Wald, who is also an avid supporter of the Koreatown Hip-Hop scene.

Although he has been in a hiatus from the rap game, Dan Wald has created some of the most groundbreaking and avant-garde rhymes--later imitated by rappers such as Ghostface. Not only that, Mr. Wald has firmly established himself as one of the premier producers in the rap game in recent years. "Kanye West? Please. I've been speeding up LPs YEARS before his ass got famous," said a dismissive Dan Wald, who is responsible for such chart-topping hits as 'The Record of Little Spanish Flea Played at 45 RPM Instead of 33' and 'Somehow Speeding up This LP of Simon and Garfunkle Isn't as Funny.'

In a recent phone interview with danwaldtribute.com, Jin said that he wasn't worried about the competition and that he welcomed the challenge from one of the most respected names in Hip Hop: "I take it as a compliment. DS's clearly got the skills to battle anyone, anyday--but the way he's been the past few weeks, he'll probably be too busy at work to show up. Forfeits are just as good in my opinion. Oh yeah, Happy Chinese New Year."

Speculations have already begun, and Vegas oddmakers has set Dan as the 7 point favorite over the aspiring Asian rapper.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Dan Wald Turns Off Lightswitch

Los Angeles, CA

In an effort to save money, on Monday night Dan Wald turned off the light in the living room. Left on were the outside and kitchen lights. However, Mr. Wald declared this a victory towards deals, "it's great because you're not using the light so why should you pay for it? I'm cutting out the middle man and richer because of it!" Middlemen Brad Clark and David Jurgens who were at the time sitting in the living room protested the money saving move. "Hey asshat, we're still in this room. Turn off the outside light and turn this one back on, or go back to work," declared Mr. Clark upon witnessing the act. Inspired by the comment Mr. Wald returned to work stating, "what a deal! Instead of sleeping - for which I get paid nothing - I can instead work at night and earn overtime. It's awesome because they pay me even more than they would normally."

As Mr. Wald bravely left for work again instead of sleeping, Mr. Clark and Mr. Jurgens stood in full salute while softly singing "God speed! Man is something that is to be surpassed. What have ye done to surpass man? All beings hitherto have created something beyond themselves: and ye want to be the ebb of that great tide, and would rather go back to the beast than surpass man?" Pausing for a moment, Dan Wald took eight steps, one in each of the cardinal directions and responded, "I conjure you, my brethren, REMAIN TRUE TO THE EARTH, and believe not those who speak unto you of superearthly hopes! Poisoners are they, whether they know it or not." He then walked to his car where angels attended to him as he left for the heavens, carried by six-winged seraphim with eyes on all sides. Upon returning inside, Mr. Jurgens turned off the outside light and turned the living room light back on.


[REUTERS NEWS WIRE/AP] Los Angeles: In a development that has stunned more or less everyone alive, including doctors, pathologists, organic chemists, tribal medicine men, and clergypersons, a Culver City man survived eating approximately a pound of one of the worlds’ most dangerous mushrooms.

Dan Wald, 23, apparently ate a “plateful” of Amanita ocreata, also known as “Death Caps” or “Destroying Angels.” Amanita ocreata is deadly poisonous, and there are no known cases besides Wald’s of a human surviving its consumption.

Dr. Armeet Sharma, a specialist in poison control medicine at Our Lady of Perpetual Befuddlement Medical Center in Los Angeles said, “Frankly, we’re all perplexed. At first we thought maybe he had a stronger than normal immune system, but his white counts are fairly normal. Then we thought that his kidney and liver were perhaps stronger than an average human’s, but there are no signs of abnormal renal activity. The only explanation I can come up with is… the kid just fuckin’ rocks.” None of Wald’s other physicians could be reached for comment.

Wald apparently purchased the Deathcaps at Trader Joes’ in Culver City. Susan Humboldt, national spokesperson for Trader Joes’ LLC, announced in a press conference on Wednesday: “There was apparently a packaging mix-up at our assembly plant in Cedar Rapids, wherein poisonous mushrooms accidentally were picked and packaged instead of Agaricus bisporous.. We are terribly, utterly, heinously sorry for the mix-up, and are astronomically grateful for Mr. Wald’s ass-kickin’-ness.”

Wald claims that he was unaware of the poisonous nature of the mushrooms when he ate them. “My mom sent me her chicken piccata recipe, and I was like, sweet. I thought the mushrooms tasted a little different, but it was cool.” Wald claims to have suffered no adverse side effects: “I had a headache the next day, but I’m pretty sure it was because we were out of Code Red.” Dr. Sharma reports that all of Wald’s vital signs are normal, and perhaps even slightly better than normal.

Notes Wald: “Some people say fresh ingredients are the key to good cooking, but I think it’s a healthy dose of danger.”

Wald is equally perplexed by the incident, but not surprised. "I've always been weird like that," he said in a Saturday interview. "One time, I touched a poison ivy plant, and instead of getting a rash, I killed the plant."

Dr. Karen Chao of UCLA’s Botany Department noted, “Anyone who ate that many Deathcaps should be dead several times over by now. Bears routinely die from consumption of Armanita, and their body weight exceeds that kid’s by a factor of ten. All I know is, he’s got an excess of sheer awesomeosity.”

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Dan Wald is My Muse

A Triolet Tribute to DS

Dan played a song he called Spanish Flea
Masterpiece bestowed from good ol KC
‘Twas one mere moment of awesomeosity--
Dan played. A song he called Spanish Flea
Finished the night of drunk jubilee.
Those sweet sounds poured from the battered LP
Dan played a song he called Spanish Flea.
He’s the masterpiece bestowed from good ol KC.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Dan Wald Murmurs "Delorium!" before falling asleep, then stays up all night

Los Angeles, CA

Shortly before falling asleep on Wednesday night, in a spurt of unrestlessness prior to rolling on his left side, Dan Wald loudly murmured "Delorium!", seemingly out of nowhere. Such an unexpected outburst was heard by his roommates who knocked on his door to ask if he was dying. Fully awakened by their intrusion, Mr. Wald asked if they knew what he had just said. "I dunno, Delorian? Have been been watching Back To The Future again? You should buy a Delorian. that or a hoverboard" responded Brad Clark. "Nah, it was like some Harry Potter bullshitta thing he was shouting. You may think you can cast spells, but you can't kill the undead, bitch!" shouted David Jurgens as he ran into Mr. Wald's room and steamrolled him. Mr. Clark promptly follower suit. Shortly after having his ribs crushed by his roommates, Mr. Wald was unable to return to sleep, partially due to his uneasiness from having said an unexplained word for no reason and partially from shortness of breath.

Citing a renewed vigor, Mr. Wald got up and went back work at 1AM. "I think I did something at work related to delorium. I'd better go check it out, and by check it out, I mean work for another 12 hours." Mr. Jurgens and Mr. Clark were slightly stunned but not surprised as Mr. Wald has been working upwards of 80 hours in the past few weeks. Unknown to Mr. Wald, due to his prolonged absences the two have recently rented out his room to migrant workers in an attempt to earn money for an XBox 360.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Wald Considering Taking a Yoga Class

Culver City—In a characteristically open-minded move, Dan Wald announced today that he’s considering taking a yoga class.
“I mean, I’m not gonna like, become some damn hippie or anything,” Wald clarified. “I’m talking one class. I just, you know, think it might be cool.”
Among Wald’s reasons for taking a class include improving his flexibility and finding a venue for stress relief. “I always came in last in the sit and reach in middle school, and I really want to stick it to those fuckers.” When alerted to the fact that yoga classes tend to attract limber women in tightly fitting clothes, Wald responded, “I’m in it for the enlightenment, man. You think Buddha always thought with his dick?”
Wald is considering the Intro to Yoga class at two different venues, Desert Lotus and West End Yoga and Wellness. “That lotus one is close to work, but West End is where I get my reiki done.” Wald allegedly began reiki treatment, an Eastern form of touch healing, in October to ease discomfort caused by a mild case of irritable bowel syndrome.
Wald was referred by co-worker Darren Johnston, who noticed an increase in Wald’s stress level after several ninety hour weeks. “Yeah, Dan’s been kind of tightly wound since they implanted that tracking device in his neck,” Johnston said, of Raytheon administration. “Now they can find him anytime. He runs everywhere he goes, even if it’s just back and forth to the bathroom, and he’s been injecting himself in the neck with Epi-Pens ‘for the adrenaline rush.’ I’m worried about the dude.”
Wald denied the impact of his 90 hour weeks, saying that he’s merely at a place in his life where he’s interested in spirituality. “Yeah, man, I read the I Ching, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, The Book of Mormon, and the cliff’s notes to the Shariyat-Ki-Sugmad, but that yoga stuff looks pretty sweet.” Wald also noted that he would consider staying for the Intermediate African Dance class directly afterwards.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Dan Wald Confirms He Is Not A Triangle

In a move that has stunned mathematicians, Dan Wald has proven that he is not a triangle. Following is a transcript of the talk given at MIT complete with replicated diagrams presented to the math community.

Given a triangle:

We can define the following constants:

Constants will hold the triangle in place while we examine it.

Bisecting the triangle in the appropriate places allows us to penetrate the mystery of the triangle. When killing a triangle, we must take appropriate reverance which means we need to draw the lines perfectly straight for respect and all.

Because my name is DS, I can draw the following lines around the triangle:

This looks nothing like a triangle. However, since I drew it, I must not be a triangle.


Nathan Dunfield, a professor at Caltech, commented on the situation by saying, "Mr. Wald's proof is inconclusive and for the most part, random scribbling. The three words that were consistently used during his talk were 'triangle' and 'not me', which did get the point across, however. He even managed to lead the crowd in 'I am not a triangle' chant. I've never seen mathematicians so riled up, although it may be that he tried to bend Dr. Kaloshin into what he said was a 'human triangle'. I don't know how he managed to be in his situation - having to prove that he isn't a triangle - but I am at least convinced that he is not, in fact, a triangle."

Mr. Wald is now reportedly working on a corollary to his proof that would show that he is also not a rhomboid. An email sent earlier this week confirms this and Mr. Wald has stated, "things are going well but are taking longer than I expected since rhomboids are such mysterious beasts. I mean no man has yet to even draw one!"

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Dan The Protagonist: Three Short, Surrealist Plays

Dan: [coyly] But I don't DO meth, Condoleeza!!!
Condoleeza Rice: [insensitively] Shut the fuck up and braid that salmon, Wald.

*THE BIGGEST OF THE BANGS or "Les avocats sont doux"*
Obstetrician: Mrs. Wald.... he's a beautiful, bouncing, baby boy!
Baby Dan: [brandishes an avocado][sotto voce] We have nothing to fear... but fear itself.
Mrs. Wald: [kisses baby's forehead]
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Anybody vant their vindows vashed?

Dan The Photographer: [with camera] Work it for me, baby.
Kate Moss: Anything for you, Dan.
Tiger: [Eats Kate Moss]
Dan The Photographer: You owe me a roll of film, Tiger.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Mysterious Porridge Left On Counter

Los Angeles, CA

With no explanation, a single bowl of porridge was left of the counter of Mr. Wald's residence. Neither of the other two residents claim to have left it. "I eat four waffles everyday. Porridge is for the weak," claimed Mr. Jurgens. "I eat dinner as my first meal," attested Mr. Clark, "but that's mostly because I sleep through the other two." The two suspect that Mr. Wald left it there in his on-going quest to "leave shit everywhere." Mr. Wald denies such charges as he notes that there isn't any porridge mix in the house anywhere so it must have had to come from somewhere else. Furthermore, Mr. Wald argues that it couldn't have been him because "that porridge was cold. I'm neutral, man. It wouldn't have been too hot or too cold if it was mine. It would've been just right." Upon hearing that Mr. Jurgens reportedly warmed the porridge in the microwave until it was "just right" and then poured it in Mr. Wald's bed.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Kuala Lumpur Declars Jan 17th "Dan Wald Day"

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

The mayor of Kuala Lumpur is set to announce that January 17th will now be known as Dan Wald Day. This honor would make the Dan Wald the first Westerner aside from Mother Theresa to be nationally recognized. As a young man Dan Wald came to Malaysia as an unskilled worker to practice amateur dentistry, claiming "hey, everyone has teeth." However, unbeknown to Mr. Wald, Malaysia does not allow the practicing of amateur medicine and all foreign doctors are required to register with the state. After several locals complained that Dan had been pulling teeth with his fingers after the slamming-the-door-with-string-attached-to-the-tooth method failed, authorities intervened.

Luckily that day Mr. Wald had purchased a small dog after locals told him it was actually a japanese tanuki, the creature popularized by Super Mario Bros. 3's Tanooki Suit. "I can't wait until it turns to stone! I thougt about dropping it a few inches but I don't know how soon tanuki develop the turn-to-stone thing. I guess I'll just have to wait until it does it on its own," Mr. Wald commented on his purchase. When authorities came to his work place and began questioning him, Dan replied, "teeth? I know nothing about teeth. I sell puppies! Everyone likes puppies!" Amused by the man in front of them shoving a puppy in their face and confused since they spoke no English, authorities believed they had the wrong man and left.

From that day on, Dan Wald devoted his lift to bringing the love of tanuki to all of Malaysia, believing that it was his tanuki that delivered him from trouble earlier. Sadly, tanuki do not exist as Mr. Wald soon found out, having been laughed out of several important meetings where he brought his pet tanuki, Foot Foot, which he had dyed grey in order to impress his colleagues, claiming that his tanuki could turn to stone while still a puppy. Realizing his mistake, Dan began a national effort to educate the Malaysian population about which beasts were magical and which were not.

At the time Kuala Lumpur was suffering from a rash of violent robberies that locals believed were committed by leprechauns but really committed by green haired dwarves. Malaysian folklore prohibits the touching or harming of leprechauns, which prevented authorities from arresting the group. Thanks to Mr. Wald's efforts, during the next particularly daring robbery of a retirement home, the elderly shot the leprechauns.

"Thanks to Mr. Wald's valiant efforts in educating the public, the elderly are safe, the leprechauns are dead and everyone is the wiser," acclaimed the Mayor of Kuala Lumpur. Spurred on by his early success Mr. Wald has continued to preach the non-existence of mythical creatures to other Malaysian cities. No word yet on whether Mr. Wald has had any success resolving Port Dickson's manticore problem.

Dan Wald Discovers New Squid

Haunted by squid in his dreams since childhood, Dan Wald woke up on Monday and realized that it was a new species of giant squid that had been telepathically trying to contact him during his sleep in order to get the species recognized. According to Mr. Wald, "well, I made up my mind that I was just going to have to rent a boat and go out there and find the damned thing to tell it to stay out of my mind." Shortly there after, Dan and Captain Lou (formerly from the WCW and now an actual captain for short sea charters) sailed west into the Pacific. Above is an artists rendition of the actual account. "We got out to sea and I was so anxious that I just stuck my face in the water. Luckily, there was a squid there. I figured it was the one from my dreams so I pointed at it and said 'hey squid! I found you so shut up!' It just sat there, which I think means it understood" recounted Mr. Wald. Although it has been uncomfirmed whether the squid was indeed the one with the telepathic powers, Captain Lou netted the squid and brought it on board only to find that it was in fact an undiscovered species. An anonymous Japanese businessman purchased the squid for an undisclosed amount and it was promptly eaten, to which the businessman commented, "uniquely delicious."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Many Faces of DS Imposters

DS Wald Enterprises (DSW) went public on the NYSE approximately 6 months ago. Shortly thereafter, CIBC World Markets initiated a Sector Outperform rating for DSW. The stock began to tumble, however. Analysts attribute the significant decline in market capitalization to numerous Evil Dan sightings, the most notable being the "Bow Wow Cleveland Steamer" incident.

When asked for comment, the REAL Dan Wald merely said, "Bow Wow and I are tight homies. He knows I would never shit on his chest in front of a live audience. I'm much more of a minimalist than that."

Bow Wow could not be reached for comment.


LOS ANGELES [REUTERS]: In a groundbreaking aviation and biology development, Daniel Wald, 23, of Kansas City, has successfully recreated the biomechanics and flight properties of a sparrow.

Engineers and biologists alike have long been baffled by the intricate, precise structure of the petite bird, and have spent millions of research dollars and manpower attempting to simulate its features. Wald accomplished the engineering marvel without any federal or private grants and only with the support of his housemates. (According to Wald, they contributed mainly by making taunting remarks that only fueled his determination and providing him with copious amounts of a "mystical science elixir." Wald refused to further comment on the elixir.) Says Wald: "Shit, mannnnn, it's just a sparrow."

Among the many design challenges Wald overcame was the simultaneous necessary lightness and strenghts of the sparrow's internal skeleton. This problem has vexed engineers for decades, says Dr. Spencer Robb of Harvard. "Nature has proven to be a better designer than man in almost every instance," Robb said in a 2003 interview. During a Tuesday press conference, Wald countered this claim, stating, "I made Mother Nature my bitch this week.... and Spencer Robb can kiss my Raytheonic ass too." Dr. Robb declined to comment.

Wald has been working for Raytheon in Los Angeles for over a year, and the company has filed a claim on his patent per the company's intellectual property laws. Wald is countering the suit in an attempt to retain legal rights to his designs. Wald states that he wants to create an enormous engineered sparrow colony on one coast that would wage war against an enormous engineered sparrow colony on the other coast, in a megadeathmatchbattle that would result in the complete obliteration of one engineered sparrow colony. When during his press conference Wald was reminded by Dr. Janice Horvath of USC's ornithology department that sparrows are communal and peaceful birds, Wald swept his microphone off the table and stated, "Look, bitch, who's the sparrow mastermind here, you or me?"

Wald stated that his other plan for the sparrow blueprints was to hold out to sell to the highest bidder. "I want to buy a bunch of shares of GOOG or Whitney Streisand VORP Fallopian Sunderfield. Yeah."

Wald says that his current animal engineering project is an ostrich with bigger-than-usual testicles.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Evil DS declares war on Ja Rule

Breaking with the Awesomeosity and Neutrality precident, Evil DS recently declared war on the washed-up rapper Ja Rule. In a recent press conference E-DS confirmed that the war was due to the 'S' nature. When pressed about what the 'S' stood for E-DS replied, "shit talking." There has been no comment from Ja Rule, as he is assumed to be dead, like his career.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Evil Dan Sighting!

Evil Dan (pictured here) was sighted giving Bow Wow a Cleveland Steamer while eating a batch of stolen taquitos and shotgunning Lipton Brisk ice tea. Beware and be aware.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Welcome to the first Tribute Blog dedicated to Dan Wald. This is a venue for fans to express their love and appreciation of Dan.

Dan Wald has touched the lives of dozens as he has traveled the land spreading his trifecta of Life Principles:


Dedication. Dan is the epitome of dedication. No matter what time of day, Dan is always rooting out falsities in others' statements by making up facts to back his point of view. Dan is also dedicated to buying the most useless piece of crap at a fair or festival and then displaying it prominently in his household.

Awesomosity. "What is awesomosity if it is not also rocking out and being totally sweet?" -Dan Wald 2006. What indeed. Clearly Dan is also a philosopher in addition to many other things.

Neutrality. If someone were to randomly punch Dan in the face, he would probably say, "ow - why did you punch me in the face?" in the most neutral way imaginable.