Dan Wald Does Not Ship.

El Segundo, CA


"Ship or die!"

"You're either a 1 or a 0; a shipper or not."

"I'm a    S H I P S T R"

These are some of the many slogans posted on Dan Wald's cubicle. And yet, in the face of mounting pressure, under strenuous deadlines, despite working twelve hour days for three weeks straight, Dan Wald went against the grain and did not ship. "It's unexplainable," said Mr. Wald's boss, "Dan works like no other. Sometimes I tell him to go home, and yet he stays. One time we even paid him to go home. To get him out the door at night, we have to leave little food trails to lure him to his car. I think they may be his only source of nourishment - he loves the jujubes, by the way, we got him to walk out a window with those once. But to think that he didn't ship... well, that really is unsettling." Months had passed since Wald had last shipped, although he was previously riding a wave of success from his previous shipping. But with no shipping date in sight, Wald's behavior grew erractic and focused, with employees saying "it's like he was two people, because he was working two shifts."

Coworkers agree that although Dan works constantly, he was unable to ship. Michael Kramer commented, "I heard that he was working so hard, he became clairvoyant. I mean like he was having visions and shit - like aliens telling him to put the satellites together in certain ways. Now we have one with a pair of antlers on it because he was 'told' that they were needed to protect it from space sharks or some DS like that." When asked about Wald's failure to ship, Kramer tensed his face and muttered something under his breath and finally said succinctly, "unacceptable. not from Wald; not from anyone." Wald had apparently been trying to ship for some time now, but was waylaid by numerous technical glitches and round-the-clock testing. Prior to his failure, he had been expecting to ship in just a few short days. No one knows when he will ship now, or even if he will ship again.

However, rumor has it that Wald in fact did ship, but did so secretly. Given that Wald's performance was pure work, some speculate that he actually shipped himself, with some even saying he shipped himself to Hawaii. Wald was unable to comment on these rumors as he was at the time working - but not shipping.

After angering the Aztec god Huitzilopochtli, Dan Wald watches in horror as the moon gets eaten

Los Angeles, CA


Standing on the roof of his house, a single tear rolled down the cheek of Dan Wald as the last crescent sliver of the moon disappeared. "The moon's been eaten and it's all my fault."

The prior week, Wald had travelled Tijuana to work at an orphanage where he managed to uncover an ancient Aztec burial ground. After archaeologists spent the next few hours excavating a local woman approached the site and inquired why the site of her ancestors was being desecrated. Having been informed that Wald uncovered the find, she addressed the entire team, "Our great god Huitzilopochtli has seen our tears for too long. You Mr. Wald will be the first to witness his vengeance on those that malign us. In two weeks you will see his greatness as he eats the moon!" According to witnesses, she then vanished, although she was later seen with her dog selling potatoes in a market stand.

Much of this would have remained outside the public view except for what Mr. Wald did in the coming few days. "I remember looking up that night and thinking that nothing could destroy the moon. It was a really full moon that night, and it may have been the last time I would ever see it that full," recounted Wald. "The next few days I noticed that moon was getting slimmer. Not by much, but it seemed like something was making it smaller. I started getting worried and asked a friend if the moon was smaller and she said yes, so then I really started getting nervous. I mean if the moon did disappear...how could I replace something like that," exclaimed an misty-eyed Wald. In fact, he would try to replace it.

"I bought the biggest spot light I could find and then I got this moon-silhouette transparency and put it over the light," said Wald of his plan. Aimed right at where the moon should have been, the light was bright enough that his neighbors began complaining. Moreover, Wald hadn't taken into account that he would need multiple spot lights so that the moon would still appear full from all vantage points. Even worse, the moon was partly visible during the day, when the spot light was ineffective. "I had to put all these moon window-clings on all the windows at work. They worked for the most part, except I had to move them every hour to keep in sync with the moon's position. Stupid moon had go and get eaten...," recounted Wald of his days in the office. Eventually, facing nine digit costs from the spot lights and unable to keep his crushing work schedule while at the same time moving hundreds of moon window-clings, Wald gave up his plan and decided to face the public with his blame. "I called the LA Times and said that I had make a public confession to make but when I explained that I was responsible for the moon being eaten the line went dead," said Wald. For a time Wald thought that Huitzilopochtli had actually taken to personally interfering but after being hung up on several times, he realized that they just didn't care. "I knew they would care when they saw the moon getting eaten"

While no one heeded his message of doom and pleas to find a way to stop Huitzilopochtli from devouring the rest of the moon. Missing from the equation was the fact that the moon was simply undergoing its monthly waxing and waning and why Wald failed to realize this. "No! The moon is getting eaten. It doesn't get smaller normally, it just goes to the southern hemisphere or something. I'm not a moon scientist or anything so I don't know the details. Ask a moon scientist where it goes any other time, but this time I can tell you that it's going into Huitzilopochtli's stomach!" stated Wald. No moon scientists were available for comment at the time of this post.

On the last night before the moon was devoured, Wald poured himself a drink and gazed longingly at the what would drive him into hiding. "I've been thinking that when the moon disappears, I will also disappear," said Wald, "because I don't want to be found when the moon doesn't come back." We attempted to describe to Wald the phases of the moon and that despite his worst fears, the moon would begin to appear but he would hear none of it.

Climbing down off his roof, now with no moonlight to aid him, Wald stepped into his car, which was packed with supplies and stated, "I'm going to where there is no sky. I'm going to a windowless land, like mole man underground." When pressed about where he would go and if he would ever return, he sighed, saying, "actually, I'm just going back to work. They put up a sleeping tube for me there. I probably have enough work that I can just stay there working until this whole thing blows over. I have faith that the moon scientists will come find a way to bring the moon back little by little despite Huitzilopochtli's hunger. Even if he eats it again, they'll find a way to bring it back again and again." They may find a way sooner than he thinks.

Dan Wald Initiates Unprecidented Step-ladder Brinkmanship

Los Angeles, CA


In what would be the defining moment in a new era of agression, Dan Wald placed an unfolded metal step ladder in front of David Jurgens' door earlier this morning. Upon waking and exiting his room, Mr. Jurgens noticed the ladder in front of his door and quickly moved it to be in front of the bathroom door. Little did Wald, who was at the time in the bathroom, know that he would in minutes come face to face with the ladder he had placed earlier. Upon exiting the bathroom, Mr. Wald removed the ladder, and then placed it back in the same spot due to Mr. Jurgens entering the bathroom. Such hostile actions were unheard of before now, but in a chaotic agressive move, Wald chose to keep moving the ladder closer, commenting, "I thought it would be funny." With such garrish actions the norm for the morning, it was no surprise when Mr. Jurgens escalated the ladder war with a move-the-ladder-to-next-to-dan salvo that nearly shook the entire house. Wald responded with a blistering move where he placed the ladder in front of the door Mr. Jurgens had just exited to change his laundry. Almost immediately Jurgens initiated a sharp, two-part counter attack where he side-stepped the ladder, and then in an amazing feat, placed the ladder so that it would block Wald into a kitchen corner. Trapped with no where to go, Wald did the unthinkable and picked up the ladder and moved it to the center of the room. Man cannot comprehend what the action meant but some strategicians suggest it was to signal that no matter where Jurgens went, the ladder would follow. Others suggest that it was a sign of peace since the ladder was now in the open. A small minority argue that Wald had actually set up a multi-move strategy to lure Jurgens near the ladder and then keep him trapper there by circling around him. Regardless of the intent, the ladder stayed there, with uneasy eyes watching its every moves until both had left the house.

Upon returning home, the ladder had disappeared. Could it have been taken with one of men as a gesture of workplace warface? Was the ladder hidden somewhere, only to have it return in a blitz krieg attack? In fact, Mr. Clark had picked up the ladder and placed folded up in the hallway leaning against a wall. Clark had somehow managed to sleep what would become of the finest examples in brinkmanship and upon awaking had moved the ladder out of the way. When the earlier morning battle was recounted, Mr. Clark only commented, "fuckers should've put it away when they were done being gay with each other." History will see it otherwise.

Dressed as the sabertooth "Smile-O-Don", Dan Wald Angers Local Paleontologists

La Brea, CA


In an effort to enlighten children about the Pleistocene Epoch, Dan Wald dressed as the sabertooth cat smilodon, which he jokingly titled "Smile-O-Don." Smilodon, which existed during the early part of the Quaternary Period was a large cat capable of bringing down Mastodons and other large animals. Although smilodon were some of the top predators in their day, Mr. Wald only served as prey for a local group of paleontologists who decided to wage a war of informational correctness against him. Dr. John C. Merriam, leader of the anti-Wald/Smile-O-Don group stated, "Smile-O-Don? What kind of shit name is that? We're here to teach accuracy and Mr. Wald isn't part of that agenda." While wearing his sabertooth tiger outfit, Mr. Wald was known for teaching small children about all variety of creatures that lived during "his time" while visiting the La Brea tar pits. Sitting in a semi-circle around him, Mr. Wald weaved stories of giant rhinocerous and scheming wolves all while singing to children. One parent reported that her daughter would come home from the tar pits singing,

Back in The Quarternary Period was a big old cat
His name was Smile-O-Don and he had stripes on his back.
Although he took down game with his big old teeth,
He was nice and a friend to meeee.

It was around that time Dr. Merriam discovered Mr. Wald had been performing his free paleolithic sing-a-longs and decided to mobilize other paleontologists in the area to put a stop to them. "Learning is about understanding the concepts and for cock's sake, spelling the name right. These children know nothing of the other thylacosmilids that roamed these plains. Smilodon underwent convergent evolution before going extinct; Mr. Wald won't even get that lucky." When asked about Dr. Merriam's coment, Mr. Wald responded, "I am happy because I eat meat. Big cats need it to keep their coats neat. Smile-O-Don was master of his day. Or at least he hopes you think of him that way," although it is unknown if he was speaking in character at the time.

Reportedly, during one of Mr. Wald's sing-a-long sessions, the paleontologists confronted him, "the truth about smilodon cannot come from an impure vessel such as yourself," to which Mr. Wald sang, "During the ice age it got really cold. Big predators like me didn't fit the mold." Upon hearing his non-direct response, the local paleontologists picked up Mr. Wald and threw him into the tar pits. According to witnesses at the scene, children began screaming for Smile-O-Don to save himself. The paleontologists chided them, saying that smilodon could do nothing to save himself from his evolutionary fate. Thankfully a local man dove into the tar pits and drug Mr. Wald out. Infuriated by his rescue, Dr. Merriam screamed, "you didn't survive the ice age and you won't surive the fire-age either!" and then ignited the saber-tooth costume. Thinking that water might save him, Mr. Wald dove back into the tar pits - apparently forgetting that they were tar - and inadvertently set fire to the tar pits themselves.

Again the local man rescued Mr. Wald from the tar pits and managed to remove him from the then melting costume. Mr. Wald stumbled from the smoldering heap and mumbled, "Smile-O-Don won't get his deposit back. Paleontologists should kiss my, " and then went unconscious having been slapped by Dr. Merriam, who yelled "extinct species should stay dead, especially those with incorrectly spelled names!" As paleontologists went in for the kill, children surrounded Mr. Wald and sang "it's not his fault they went extinct; even smilodon's existence was on the brink." Thanks to the children's efforts, rescue workers were able to extract Mr. Wald and move him to a nearby hospital, while the remaining park visitors gazed on in horror as the paleontologists changed into Cenozoic-themed costumes and tried instructing the children. Despite their effort, paleontologists were unable to convince any children to sing with them, which in part was due their "corny lyrics" and also due to their close proximity to the now-blazing tar pits.

Since the incident, Mr. Wald has reworked his educational agenda. "Smile-O-Don was a thing of the past, I guess. I mean it went extinct. Those paleontologists woke me up to the issues of today. Now instead of focusing on educating children about the past, I need to focus on those things that need to be saved today. I'm now redoubling my efforts on saving the several species of wild orchid. I've got several variations on the same costume and it's rather easy to physically represent several species in a matter of days." Children have been rather shy to respond to a singing orchid, but Wald has hopes that they'll come around, "I mean there's at least one kid that sings the 'orchids are beautiful as they are rare; so let's plant gardens and then take care' song with me, so I imagine there will be more in time." Unbeknownst to Mr. Wald, the child was actually a catfish-shaped mailbox and was merely reflecting the sound of his voice. Local botanists have remained largely neutral towards Mr. Wald's campaign with the exception of a small group of mischievous botanist occasionally picking up Mr. Wald while in costume and then planting him firmly in the ground.

DS reaches maximum MP

At approximately 8:30 pm on Tuesday evening, upon consuming his 5th ether in a span of 82 seconds, DS realized that he had reached his maximum MP for the timebeing.

"I realized I had reached maximum MP when I attempted to drink another can of ether but upon tilting my head back, the room became temporarily fuzzy and I heard a buzzing noise in my head," DS explained at a press conference. "I then realized that I could not physically consume any more ether for the timebeing so I put it back in the fridge."

DSs''ss's' roommate, David Jurgens, recalled the incident as well: "I heard a scream so I went downstairs to the kitchen to witness Dan pouring ether all over his face and the kitchen floor while shaking and yelling." Jurgens explained that at first, he thought Dan was going into shock, and that he would have to make use of his CPR training, but then Dan stopped and spit some of the ether back in the can and replaced it in the fridge, much to Jurgens' displeasure.

"I am glad he had the sense to save the ether for later consumption if he wasn't going to drink it," said Jurgens, "but I really wanted to make use of my CPR training. I suppose I'll just have to wait until he falls asleep."

Much to Jurgens' dismay, DS did not fall asleep in the near future and his ether conservation efforts proved shortlived. After drinking the ether, Dan immediately began DASHing around the living room, executing multi-hit combos on inanimate objects and the neighbor's cat (Sir Kensington), and then returned immediately to the fridge to recharge. These actions continued well into the evening and morning hours, and finally, Brad, Dave, and Mrs. Penniworth (nextdoor neighbor and owner of Sir Kensington) were forced to restrain Dan.

"I don't understand," said Brad, "I would have thought that reaching his maximum MP would cause him to drink less ether, not more."

DS explained to them that upon reaching maximum MP, he realized that his tolerance was far too low, and only by expending his Energy and drinking more would he be able to increase his max MP and cast more awesomer spells and execute new devistating combo attacks.

Mrs. Penniworth, however, was unsatisfied with DS's'sss's explaination and suggested that instead of expending all his Energy on combos on her poor Sir Kensington, he could instead cast auras to increase he and his neighbors' defenses and other such indirect magic. "My Sir Kensington was knighted by the queen," exclaimed Mrs. Penniworth. "She is not only precious to me, but is well-respected all throughout Britain." At this point, DS executed a "brutal" 9 hit combo on the old lady.

"I use my powers for awesome, not for good" declared DS, who then ran back to the kitchen to recharge.

The Prime Minister has not announced any official retaliatory actions to be taken against DS yet, but he assures the public that they will be "swift and decisive."

Dan Wald Levels Up

Los Angeles, CA

Late Friday night while cleaning the grill in the backyard, Dan Wald tripped over a turtle and "leveled up" according to his account. "I guess I defeated that turtle, even if it was on accident. I mean, I turned it back over after it happened though because I'm a nice guy," reported Mr. Wald. Among his new-found powers was the ability to produce a flaming ball. "I usually say something like, 'oh fiddlesticks,' when I trip on stuff, but this time I said, 'oh fireball,' and then this big flame thing appeared and set the neighbor's garage on fire. It was hellified-crucial," Mr. Wald continued.

Upon returning inside Mr. Wald showed his two housemates his newly acquired skill, "hey guys, I just leveled up! Check this shit out: FIREBALL!" and sent a flaming ball at the spot where the two were sitting on the couch. Mr. Clark responded, "Oh shit! You just set the couch on fire!" while Mr. Jurgens said nothing as he was also set on fire by Mr. Wald and was now rolling on the floor trying to put the flames out. The two quickly threw all remaining Diet Mountain Dew on the couch fire and managed to put it out. "Damn, that was the last of the ether. I guess we should go to the store to get some more," remarked Mr. Wald, while Mr. Jurgens added, "this burn looks pretty bad, I think I need to go to the hospital," and then fainted. Although Mr. Wald tried to argue that they should first get the dew and then swing by the hospital, Mr. Clark drove to avoid any side-trips. In the car Mr. Wald appeared up-beat, saying, "I bet I can catch that leaf pile on fire from inside the car! FIREBA-," but was quickly punched in the crotch by Mr. Clark who demanded that he never try that again while in his car.

In the days after leveling up, Mr. Wald has continued to improve his skill, now only setting fire when useful or as a practical joke. "You should've seen the tech guys' faces when they walked in and their satellite model suddenly burst into flame, and that my-cubicle-caught-fire-just-as-I-was-about-to-print-the-report joke never gets old," commented one co-worker. Wald also now carries a two liter of Diet Mountain Dew in case the fire gets out of control and added, "as a bonus, if the fire doesn't get too bad, I just drink rest of the ether." Mr. Clark has been seen wandering the backyard and close-by parks and has hinted that he is also trying to level up. "I'm working on getting some ice skills. Ice kills fire, right? I mean kills it dead, like DS would have to obey me now because I can shout 'ice' before he can say 'fireball,'" he asserted. Not wanting to wander aimlessly in hopes of leveling up, Mr. Jurgens has resorted to just throwing ice cubes at Mr. Wald's head.

Frustrated Resident Dan Wald to Battle Rapper Jin

Culver City, CA

Local hero Dan Wald today announced that he will challenge Chinese-American rapper Jin in a freestyle MC battle. "Enough with this shit," said frustrated Wald, "I grow tired of this glorified rice jokes passing for rap talent." The fact that Jin is Chinese-American further aggravated Dan Wald, who is also an avid supporter of the Koreatown Hip-Hop scene.

Although he has been in a hiatus from the rap game, Dan Wald has created some of the most groundbreaking and avant-garde rhymes--later imitated by rappers such as Ghostface. Not only that, Mr. Wald has firmly established himself as one of the premier producers in the rap game in recent years. "Kanye West? Please. I've been speeding up LPs YEARS before his ass got famous," said a dismissive Dan Wald, who is responsible for such chart-topping hits as 'The Record of Little Spanish Flea Played at 45 RPM Instead of 33' and 'Somehow Speeding up This LP of Simon and Garfunkle Isn't as Funny.'

In a recent phone interview with danwaldtribute.com, Jin said that he wasn't worried about the competition and that he welcomed the challenge from one of the most respected names in Hip Hop: "I take it as a compliment. DS's clearly got the skills to battle anyone, anyday--but the way he's been the past few weeks, he'll probably be too busy at work to show up. Forfeits are just as good in my opinion. Oh yeah, Happy Chinese New Year."

Speculations have already begun, and Vegas oddmakers has set Dan as the 7 point favorite over the aspiring Asian rapper.

Dan Wald Turns Off Lightswitch

Los Angeles, CA

In an effort to save money, on Monday night Dan Wald turned off the light in the living room. Left on were the outside and kitchen lights. However, Mr. Wald declared this a victory towards deals, "it's great because you're not using the light so why should you pay for it? I'm cutting out the middle man and richer because of it!" Middlemen Brad Clark and David Jurgens who were at the time sitting in the living room protested the money saving move. "Hey asshat, we're still in this room. Turn off the outside light and turn this one back on, or go back to work," declared Mr. Clark upon witnessing the act. Inspired by the comment Mr. Wald returned to work stating, "what a deal! Instead of sleeping - for which I get paid nothing - I can instead work at night and earn overtime. It's awesome because they pay me even more than they would normally."

As Mr. Wald bravely left for work again instead of sleeping, Mr. Clark and Mr. Jurgens stood in full salute while softly singing "God speed! Man is something that is to be surpassed. What have ye done to surpass man? All beings hitherto have created something beyond themselves: and ye want to be the ebb of that great tide, and would rather go back to the beast than surpass man?" Pausing for a moment, Dan Wald took eight steps, one in each of the cardinal directions and responded, "I conjure you, my brethren, REMAIN TRUE TO THE EARTH, and believe not those who speak unto you of superearthly hopes! Poisoners are they, whether they know it or not." He then walked to his car where angels attended to him as he left for the heavens, carried by six-winged seraphim with eyes on all sides. Upon returning inside, Mr. Jurgens turned off the outside light and turned the living room light back on.

Dan Wald Murmurs "Delorium!" before falling asleep, then stays up all night

Los Angeles, CA

Shortly before falling asleep on Wednesday night, in a spurt of unrestlessness prior to rolling on his left side, Dan Wald loudly murmured "Delorium!", seemingly out of nowhere. Such an unexpected outburst was heard by his roommates who knocked on his door to ask if he was dying. Fully awakened by their intrusion, Mr. Wald asked if they knew what he had just said. "I dunno, Delorian? Have been been watching Back To The Future again? You should buy a Delorian. that or a hoverboard" responded Brad Clark. "Nah, it was like some Harry Potter bullshitta thing he was shouting. You may think you can cast spells, but you can't kill the undead, bitch!" shouted David Jurgens as he ran into Mr. Wald's room and steamrolled him. Mr. Clark promptly follower suit. Shortly after having his ribs crushed by his roommates, Mr. Wald was unable to return to sleep, partially due to his uneasiness from having said an unexplained word for no reason and partially from shortness of breath.

Citing a renewed vigor, Mr. Wald got up and went back work at 1AM. "I think I did something at work related to delorium. I'd better go check it out, and by check it out, I mean work for another 12 hours." Mr. Jurgens and Mr. Clark were slightly stunned but not surprised as Mr. Wald has been working upwards of 80 hours in the past few weeks. Unknown to Mr. Wald, due to his prolonged absences the two have recently rented out his room to migrant workers in an attempt to earn money for an XBox 360.

Dan Wald Confirms He Is Not A Triangle

In a move that has stunned mathematicians, Dan Wald has proven that he is not a triangle. Following is a transcript of the talk given at MIT complete with replicated diagrams presented to the math community.

Given a triangle:




We can define the following constants:




Constants will hold the triangle in place while we examine it.

Bisecting the triangle in the appropriate places allows us to penetrate the mystery of the triangle. When killing a triangle, we must take appropriate reverance which means we need to draw the lines perfectly straight for respect and all.




Because my name is DS, I can draw the following lines around the triangle:



This looks nothing like a triangle. However, since I drew it, I must not be a triangle.

fin.



Nathan Dunfield, a professor at Caltech, commented on the situation by saying, "Mr. Wald's proof is inconclusive and for the most part, random scribbling. The three words that were consistently used during his talk were 'triangle' and 'not me', which did get the point across, however. He even managed to lead the crowd in 'I am not a triangle' chant. I've never seen mathematicians so riled up, although it may be that he tried to bend Dr. Kaloshin into what he said was a 'human triangle'. I don't know how he managed to be in his situation - having to prove that he isn't a triangle - but I am at least convinced that he is not, in fact, a triangle."

Mr. Wald is now reportedly working on a corollary to his proof that would show that he is also not a rhomboid. An email sent earlier this week confirms this and Mr. Wald has stated, "things are going well but are taking longer than I expected since rhomboids are such mysterious beasts. I mean no man has yet to even draw one!"

Mysterious Porridge Left On Counter

Los Angeles, CA


With no explanation, a single bowl of porridge was left of the counter of Mr. Wald's residence. Neither of the other two residents claim to have left it. "I eat four waffles everyday. Porridge is for the weak," claimed Mr. Jurgens. "I eat dinner as my first meal," attested Mr. Clark, "but that's mostly because I sleep through the other two." The two suspect that Mr. Wald left it there in his on-going quest to "leave shit everywhere." Mr. Wald denies such charges as he notes that there isn't any porridge mix in the house anywhere so it must have had to come from somewhere else. Furthermore, Mr. Wald argues that it couldn't have been him because "that porridge was cold. I'm neutral, man. It wouldn't have been too hot or too cold if it was mine. It would've been just right." Upon hearing that Mr. Jurgens reportedly warmed the porridge in the microwave until it was "just right" and then poured it in Mr. Wald's bed.

Kuala Lumpur Declars Jan 17th "Dan Wald Day"

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia


The mayor of Kuala Lumpur is set to announce that January 17th will now be known as Dan Wald Day. This honor would make the Dan Wald the first Westerner aside from Mother Theresa to be nationally recognized. As a young man Dan Wald came to Malaysia as an unskilled worker to practice amateur dentistry, claiming "hey, everyone has teeth." However, unbeknown to Mr. Wald, Malaysia does not allow the practicing of amateur medicine and all foreign doctors are required to register with the state. After several locals complained that Dan had been pulling teeth with his fingers after the slamming-the-door-with-string-attached-to-the-tooth method failed, authorities intervened.

Luckily that day Mr. Wald had purchased a small dog after locals told him it was actually a japanese tanuki, the creature popularized by Super Mario Bros. 3's Tanooki Suit. "I can't wait until it turns to stone! I thougt about dropping it a few inches but I don't know how soon tanuki develop the turn-to-stone thing. I guess I'll just have to wait until it does it on its own," Mr. Wald commented on his purchase. When authorities came to his work place and began questioning him, Dan replied, "teeth? I know nothing about teeth. I sell puppies! Everyone likes puppies!" Amused by the man in front of them shoving a puppy in their face and confused since they spoke no English, authorities believed they had the wrong man and left.



From that day on, Dan Wald devoted his lift to bringing the love of tanuki to all of Malaysia, believing that it was his tanuki that delivered him from trouble earlier. Sadly, tanuki do not exist as Mr. Wald soon found out, having been laughed out of several important meetings where he brought his pet tanuki, Foot Foot, which he had dyed grey in order to impress his colleagues, claiming that his tanuki could turn to stone while still a puppy. Realizing his mistake, Dan began a national effort to educate the Malaysian population about which beasts were magical and which were not.

At the time Kuala Lumpur was suffering from a rash of violent robberies that locals believed were committed by leprechauns but really committed by green haired dwarves. Malaysian folklore prohibits the touching or harming of leprechauns, which prevented authorities from arresting the group. Thanks to Mr. Wald's efforts, during the next particularly daring robbery of a retirement home, the elderly shot the leprechauns.

"Thanks to Mr. Wald's valiant efforts in educating the public, the elderly are safe, the leprechauns are dead and everyone is the wiser," acclaimed the Mayor of Kuala Lumpur. Spurred on by his early success Mr. Wald has continued to preach the non-existence of mythical creatures to other Malaysian cities. No word yet on whether Mr. Wald has had any success resolving Port Dickson's manticore problem.

Dan Wald Discovers New Squid

Haunted by squid in his dreams since childhood, Dan Wald woke up on Monday and realized that it was a new species of giant squid that had been telepathically trying to contact him during his sleep in order to get the species recognized. According to Mr. Wald, "well, I made up my mind that I was just going to have to rent a boat and go out there and find the damned thing to tell it to stay out of my mind." Shortly there after, Dan and Captain Lou (formerly from the WCW and now an actual captain for short sea charters) sailed west into the Pacific. Above is an artists rendition of the actual account. "We got out to sea and I was so anxious that I just stuck my face in the water. Luckily, there was a squid there. I figured it was the one from my dreams so I pointed at it and said 'hey squid! I found you so shut up!' It just sat there, which I think means it understood" recounted Mr. Wald. Although it has been uncomfirmed whether the squid was indeed the one with the telepathic powers, Captain Lou netted the squid and brought it on board only to find that it was in fact an undiscovered species. An anonymous Japanese businessman purchased the squid for an undisclosed amount and it was promptly eaten, to which the businessman commented, "uniquely delicious."

The Many Faces of DS Imposters

Evil DS declares war on Ja Rule

Breaking with the Awesomeosity and Neutrality precident, Evil DS recently declared war on the washed-up rapper Ja Rule. In a recent press conference E-DS confirmed that the war was due to the 'S' nature. When pressed about what the 'S' stood for E-DS replied, "shit talking." There has been no comment from Ja Rule, as he is assumed to be dead, like his career.