Dan Wald Levels Up

Los Angeles, CA

Late Friday night while cleaning the grill in the backyard, Dan Wald tripped over a turtle and "leveled up" according to his account. "I guess I defeated that turtle, even if it was on accident. I mean, I turned it back over after it happened though because I'm a nice guy," reported Mr. Wald. Among his new-found powers was the ability to produce a flaming ball. "I usually say something like, 'oh fiddlesticks,' when I trip on stuff, but this time I said, 'oh fireball,' and then this big flame thing appeared and set the neighbor's garage on fire. It was hellified-crucial," Mr. Wald continued.

Upon returning inside Mr. Wald showed his two housemates his newly acquired skill, "hey guys, I just leveled up! Check this shit out: FIREBALL!" and sent a flaming ball at the spot where the two were sitting on the couch. Mr. Clark responded, "Oh shit! You just set the couch on fire!" while Mr. Jurgens said nothing as he was also set on fire by Mr. Wald and was now rolling on the floor trying to put the flames out. The two quickly threw all remaining Diet Mountain Dew on the couch fire and managed to put it out. "Damn, that was the last of the ether. I guess we should go to the store to get some more," remarked Mr. Wald, while Mr. Jurgens added, "this burn looks pretty bad, I think I need to go to the hospital," and then fainted. Although Mr. Wald tried to argue that they should first get the dew and then swing by the hospital, Mr. Clark drove to avoid any side-trips. In the car Mr. Wald appeared up-beat, saying, "I bet I can catch that leaf pile on fire from inside the car! FIREBA-," but was quickly punched in the crotch by Mr. Clark who demanded that he never try that again while in his car.

In the days after leveling up, Mr. Wald has continued to improve his skill, now only setting fire when useful or as a practical joke. "You should've seen the tech guys' faces when they walked in and their satellite model suddenly burst into flame, and that my-cubicle-caught-fire-just-as-I-was-about-to-print-the-report joke never gets old," commented one co-worker. Wald also now carries a two liter of Diet Mountain Dew in case the fire gets out of control and added, "as a bonus, if the fire doesn't get too bad, I just drink rest of the ether." Mr. Clark has been seen wandering the backyard and close-by parks and has hinted that he is also trying to level up. "I'm working on getting some ice skills. Ice kills fire, right? I mean kills it dead, like DS would have to obey me now because I can shout 'ice' before he can say 'fireball,'" he asserted. Not wanting to wander aimlessly in hopes of leveling up, Mr. Jurgens has resorted to just throwing ice cubes at Mr. Wald's head.