Saturday, January 07, 2006

Kuala Lumpur Declars Jan 17th "Dan Wald Day"

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

The mayor of Kuala Lumpur is set to announce that January 17th will now be known as Dan Wald Day. This honor would make the Dan Wald the first Westerner aside from Mother Theresa to be nationally recognized. As a young man Dan Wald came to Malaysia as an unskilled worker to practice amateur dentistry, claiming "hey, everyone has teeth." However, unbeknown to Mr. Wald, Malaysia does not allow the practicing of amateur medicine and all foreign doctors are required to register with the state. After several locals complained that Dan had been pulling teeth with his fingers after the slamming-the-door-with-string-attached-to-the-tooth method failed, authorities intervened.

Luckily that day Mr. Wald had purchased a small dog after locals told him it was actually a japanese tanuki, the creature popularized by Super Mario Bros. 3's Tanooki Suit. "I can't wait until it turns to stone! I thougt about dropping it a few inches but I don't know how soon tanuki develop the turn-to-stone thing. I guess I'll just have to wait until it does it on its own," Mr. Wald commented on his purchase. When authorities came to his work place and began questioning him, Dan replied, "teeth? I know nothing about teeth. I sell puppies! Everyone likes puppies!" Amused by the man in front of them shoving a puppy in their face and confused since they spoke no English, authorities believed they had the wrong man and left.

From that day on, Dan Wald devoted his lift to bringing the love of tanuki to all of Malaysia, believing that it was his tanuki that delivered him from trouble earlier. Sadly, tanuki do not exist as Mr. Wald soon found out, having been laughed out of several important meetings where he brought his pet tanuki, Foot Foot, which he had dyed grey in order to impress his colleagues, claiming that his tanuki could turn to stone while still a puppy. Realizing his mistake, Dan began a national effort to educate the Malaysian population about which beasts were magical and which were not.

At the time Kuala Lumpur was suffering from a rash of violent robberies that locals believed were committed by leprechauns but really committed by green haired dwarves. Malaysian folklore prohibits the touching or harming of leprechauns, which prevented authorities from arresting the group. Thanks to Mr. Wald's efforts, during the next particularly daring robbery of a retirement home, the elderly shot the leprechauns.

"Thanks to Mr. Wald's valiant efforts in educating the public, the elderly are safe, the leprechauns are dead and everyone is the wiser," acclaimed the Mayor of Kuala Lumpur. Spurred on by his early success Mr. Wald has continued to preach the non-existence of mythical creatures to other Malaysian cities. No word yet on whether Mr. Wald has had any success resolving Port Dickson's manticore problem.


Blogger Meredith said...


7:44 PM  

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