Monday, March 27, 2006

Dan Wald Replaced by RoboDS 3000

Culver City, CA

Sometime in the past month Dan Wald disappeared; in his place stood a 2 ton likeness of himself sent back from the future.

At some point in the future, the real Dan Wald perished. Mankind suffered from a lack of awesomeosity and went into an ice-age. Only a few people maintained enough awesomeosity to survive these bleak times, with a survivor count estimated well below ten thousand people. To prevent this, the remaining survivors constructed as realistic a simulation of the avatar of awesomeosity, Dan Wald, as historical records could allow.

RoboDS 3000, designed out of the remnants of Waldemar Industries, utilized key known facts about Dan Wald:
  1. Dan Wald was dedicated
  2. Dan Wald was awesome
  3. Dan Wald was neutral

In addition, survived combed the historical records to add what they believed were historically accurate quoatations for the replica to say.
  • "I'm going back to work"
  • "Vegas is the tits"
  • "Rock out and be totally sweet"
  • "I need another DMD"
  • "He needs a hand bag with the following items in it..."
  • "I'm going to bed"
  • "I'm back. I'm like the sequel. I'm like Payload"

A third unpronounceable phrase ":E" was ofen repeated in many of the texts and the survivors instructed the robot to write that phrase as often as possible.

Back in the present, the replacement went largely unnoticed. "DMD consumption was up to 2 cases a day, but since he kept saying 'I'm going back to work,' I didn't think anything of it," explain current housemate David Jurgens. "Yeah," added Brad Clack, the other house mate, "nothing was out of the un-DS like. He would shout something about Vegas and then leave. The only thing that really stood out was the way he kept digging a big shelter in the backyard and storing thousands of diet mountain dews in it. I thought he was just trying to keep them cold or something."

In fact, RoboDS 3000 had been sent back not only to replace Dan Wald, but to ensure his survival. In the future, DMD quantities had dwindled to such small levels that many key members of society were no longer able to keep their lives perfect. By creating a hidden cache of DMD, the creators of RoboDS 3000 hoped would be enough to keep awesomeosity levels strong in the trying months to come.

Mr. Clark and Mr. Jurgens only became aware of the real situation by chance. In an act of desperation RoboDS 3000 consumed a 7-UP, when no DMD was available and faced with water as the only other alternative. The sugary, non-caffeinated drink counteracted the awesomeosity of DMD and caused RoboDS to go into catatonic shock. "He didn't move for 3 days," stated Mr. Jurgens, " we just thought he was on vacation. or telecommuting with his mind." "We ended up pouring DMD in his mouth to get him going again, and after he started moving again, he wanted more, but we didn't have any, so he left never to be seen again," explained Mr. Clark. The real Dan Wald was largely unaware of his replacement, as he was at work for most of the time.


Blogger Dan Wald said...

when did this happen?

9:58 PM  

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