Sunday, February 05, 2006

Dan Wald Wears Shirt So Orange, It's Illegal

Los Angeles

In a bold move of fashion protest, Dan Wald wore a shirt so orange that it was deemed illegal. "I thought this shirt was so fly that it had wings. WINGS, BITCHES," cited Wald for his modus operandi. Shortly after arriving to work, Dan Wald's shirt nearly burst into flame when subjected to flourescent light. His supervisors notified security who then attempted to remove this shirt but were foiled after their eyes melted out of their skulls when they got too close to Wald. This attempt was unknown to Wald who was at the time working.

Security then set up a perimeter around Wald, while assault welders in full welding gear moved closer in hopes of plating Wald's shirt with a special lead smock. Wald genially rebuked their attempt claiming, "why you gotta ruin my style. I got this shirt in an amazing deal online. Their clothing selector said I destined to have this shirt based on my awesome color coordination. Lead is not the color of awesomosity - orange is." Wald got his wish, as the smock turned liquid and fell off after only a few seconds of contact with the shirt. Raytheon scientists, stunned by the turn of events, debuted their new cryogenic freezing system by trying to isolate Wald's shirt in the liquid nitrogen chamber. His supervisors explained to him that he had to do more work in the new prototype lab (really the cryo chamber), but Wald foiled their ruse thinking it was one of their many attempts to try and get him to go home from work by shipping him in a giant box. Shrugging their shoulders, Raytheon scientist Jim Mathers acknowledged, "there's nothing we can do about that shirt with our current technology. However, if we were ever needing a way to reignite the Sun, that shirt would surely do. That shirt might even prevent the eventual heat death of the universe." Largely ignoring the swirl of media, security and now-blind coworkers surrounding him, Wald kept his head down and powered through the work he had to do, even managing to come home from work early, as the main complex where he worked had to be evacuated.

Wald's garish sense of style was later condemned by most of the EU and several members of NAFTA. The president motioned for a new law to ban the use of such shirts, claiming that they could be used for terrorism, saying, "the freedom of expression, no matter how orange it is, cannot trump the basic right of humans to see, like with eyes that haven't been blinded by that [horrible] orange." Wald has reportedly rehung the shirt in his closet, stating that he wants to wear it at least one more time before washing it in case the colors fade.


Blogger Meredith said...

Well played. And the picture is the piece de resistance of the article. :)

3:28 PM  
Blogger DSFan^max said...

Is there a bird on DS's shoulder?

5:04 AM  
Blogger Dan Wald said...

the bird is Kurt J Hoffmiester, the Bird. REMEMBER?

8:54 PM  

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