Groundhog Sees Own Shadow, Wald Unimpressed
Punxsatawney, PA -- As the official weather forecast for the rest of winter has finally been released from Knob Hill, the home of the famed and infamous groundhog simply named Phil, a cloud loomed over Culver City, near Los Angeles, CA. The dark cloud appeared to be a direct assault on one Mr. Dan "DS" Wald from the proud and oversized rodent in response to Mr. Wald's comments from the previous several years.
For a small amount of history on the situation, Mr. Wald has hated the Groundhog for years, calling it his, "Life's work" to "bring down the mockery and tomfoolery that is the groundhog, I mean, what is he anyway, a rodent with a microphone? He reminds me of one of those things from the Princess Bride." However, the rivalry between Mr. Wald and Punxsatawney Phil has escalated based upon the following comments Mr. Wald made at a press conference on February 2, 2005:
I mean, what is this thing, anyway? Shit, an oversized rat? And why can he predict the weather, and I can't? Forget that, I will make a prediction right here and now, winter is over--as over as the life of that miserable, fat rodent. That movie about wasn't even about him! And what about that stupid actor who's career basically ended after that movie. I blame you, Phil, and I therefore declare a cold war on you!
While Mr. Wald was smiling and laughing through much of the press conference a friend who wished to remain unitenfied said, "I know that DS is deadly serious about hating on that groundhog. I once tried to make burritos with him, and when the burritos turned out a little soggy, he told me that my supply to ether was done and that he was going to leave me as a roommate and go to Australia. What a douche!"
The prospect of a cold war, was confusing to many at the press conference, but Mr. Wald answered questions saying, "Let's just say I've been working on a laser and that I'm gonna blow him off the face of the earth when it's done." When pressed about the fact that his explanation seemed more like a declaration of real war, Mr. Wald simply said, "Shiit, I'm gonna git you next, sucka." This explanation, coupled with the fact that Bill Murray, the actor from Groundhog's Day has actually gone on to lead a very successful acting career has lead many, including one of Mr. Wald's current roomates, Mr. Bradley Clark, to question his sanity. Says Mr. Clark, "I mean, fucker gets all pissed when we hit him in the nuts and throw pies at him. what's up with that?"
In a clear challenge to the legitamacy of Punxatawney Phil, Mr. Wald declared that he was planning on getting a Ficus that lives on "ether" and gives weather reports daily.
Neither Punxatawney Phil, or his spokesman, that fat guy in the silly hat, could be reached for a comment.