Thursday, January 26, 2006

After angering the Aztec god Huitzilopochtli, Dan Wald watches in horror as the moon gets eaten



Los Angeles, CA


Standing on the roof of his house, a single tear rolled down the cheek of Dan Wald as the last crescent sliver of the moon disappeared. "The moon's been eaten and it's all my fault."

The prior week, Wald had travelled Tijuana to work at an orphanage where he managed to uncover an ancient Aztec burial ground. After archaeologists spent the next few hours excavating a local woman approached the site and inquired why the site of her ancestors was being desecrated. Having been informed that Wald uncovered the find, she addressed the entire team, "Our great god Huitzilopochtli has seen our tears for too long. You Mr. Wald will be the first to witness his vengeance on those that malign us. In two weeks you will see his greatness as he eats the moon!" According to witnesses, she then vanished, although she was later seen with her dog selling potatoes in a market stand.

Much of this would have remained outside the public view except for what Mr. Wald did in the coming few days. "I remember looking up that night and thinking that nothing could destroy the moon. It was a really full moon that night, and it may have been the last time I would ever see it that full," recounted Wald. "The next few days I noticed that moon was getting slimmer. Not by much, but it seemed like something was making it smaller. I started getting worried and asked a friend if the moon was smaller and she said yes, so then I really started getting nervous. I mean if the moon did disappear...how could I replace something like that," exclaimed an misty-eyed Wald. In fact, he would try to replace it.

"I bought the biggest spot light I could find and then I got this moon-silhouette transparency and put it over the light," said Wald of his plan. Aimed right at where the moon should have been, the light was bright enough that his neighbors began complaining. Moreover, Wald hadn't taken into account that he would need multiple spot lights so that the moon would still appear full from all vantage points. Even worse, the moon was partly visible during the day, when the spot light was ineffective. "I had to put all these moon window-clings on all the windows at work. They worked for the most part, except I had to move them every hour to keep in sync with the moon's position. Stupid moon had go and get eaten...," recounted Wald of his days in the office. Eventually, facing nine digit costs from the spot lights and unable to keep his crushing work schedule while at the same time moving hundreds of moon window-clings, Wald gave up his plan and decided to face the public with his blame. "I called the LA Times and said that I had make a public confession to make but when I explained that I was responsible for the moon being eaten the line went dead," said Wald. For a time Wald thought that Huitzilopochtli had actually taken to personally interfering but after being hung up on several times, he realized that they just didn't care. "I knew they would care when they saw the moon getting eaten"

While no one heeded his message of doom and pleas to find a way to stop Huitzilopochtli from devouring the rest of the moon. Missing from the equation was the fact that the moon was simply undergoing its monthly waxing and waning and why Wald failed to realize this. "No! The moon is getting eaten. It doesn't get smaller normally, it just goes to the southern hemisphere or something. I'm not a moon scientist or anything so I don't know the details. Ask a moon scientist where it goes any other time, but this time I can tell you that it's going into Huitzilopochtli's stomach!" stated Wald. No moon scientists were available for comment at the time of this post.

On the last night before the moon was devoured, Wald poured himself a drink and gazed longingly at the what would drive him into hiding. "I've been thinking that when the moon disappears, I will also disappear," said Wald, "because I don't want to be found when the moon doesn't come back." We attempted to describe to Wald the phases of the moon and that despite his worst fears, the moon would begin to appear but he would hear none of it.

Climbing down off his roof, now with no moonlight to aid him, Wald stepped into his car, which was packed with supplies and stated, "I'm going to where there is no sky. I'm going to a windowless land, like mole man underground." When pressed about where he would go and if he would ever return, he sighed, saying, "actually, I'm just going back to work. They put up a sleeping tube for me there. I probably have enough work that I can just stay there working until this whole thing blows over. I have faith that the moon scientists will come find a way to bring the moon back little by little despite Huitzilopochtli's hunger. Even if he eats it again, they'll find a way to bring it back again and again." They may find a way sooner than he thinks.

2 Comments:

Blogger Dan Wald said...

BRILLIANT!

2:19 PM  
Blogger Meredith said...

Whoa.

I think this must have been the fruits of a manic episode. Or, a DMDCR episode.

Insanity.

7:56 PM  

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