Dan Wald Does Not Ship.
El Segundo, CA
"Ship or die!"
"You're either a 1 or a 0; a shipper or not."
"I'm a S H I P S T R"
These are some of the many slogans posted on Dan Wald's cubicle. And yet, in the face of mounting pressure, under strenuous deadlines, despite working twelve hour days for three weeks straight, Dan Wald went against the grain and did not ship. "It's unexplainable," said Mr. Wald's boss, "Dan works like no other. Sometimes I tell him to go home, and yet he stays. One time we even paid him to go home. To get him out the door at night, we have to leave little food trails to lure him to his car. I think they may be his only source of nourishment - he loves the jujubes, by the way, we got him to walk out a window with those once. But to think that he didn't ship... well, that really is unsettling." Months had passed since Wald had last shipped, although he was previously riding a wave of success from his previous shipping. But with no shipping date in sight, Wald's behavior grew erractic and focused, with employees saying "it's like he was two people, because he was working two shifts."
Coworkers agree that although Dan works constantly, he was unable to ship. Michael Kramer commented, "I heard that he was working so hard, he became clairvoyant. I mean like he was having visions and shit - like aliens telling him to put the satellites together in certain ways. Now we have one with a pair of antlers on it because he was 'told' that they were needed to protect it from space sharks or some DS like that." When asked about Wald's failure to ship, Kramer tensed his face and muttered something under his breath and finally said succinctly, "unacceptable. not from Wald; not from anyone." Wald had apparently been trying to ship for some time now, but was waylaid by numerous technical glitches and round-the-clock testing. Prior to his failure, he had been expecting to ship in just a few short days. No one knows when he will ship now, or even if he will ship again.
However, rumor has it that Wald in fact did ship, but did so secretly. Given that Wald's performance was pure work, some speculate that he actually shipped himself, with some even saying he shipped himself to Hawaii. Wald was unable to comment on these rumors as he was at the time working - but not shipping.