Dan Wald Inspires New Carlo Rossi Wine

Modesto, CA


To help friends everywhere celebrate in a truly Dan Wald way, Carlo Rossi unveiled his new themed wine: "Carlo Rossi: Drunk". In a press release, Mr. Rossi explained, "I think it speaks right to the heart of why Wald and others like him gather together and celebrate with a nice glass of wine. They demand not only flavorful wine grown right here in California, but also a wine that inspires them to greatness. Since the late 90s our vineyard has been bottling new vintages in a search for what would become Carlo Rossi: Drunk. On a memorable visit, Mr. Wald and I were walking the grape fields and as we stretched our hands into the overflowing leaves while we strolled, Wald noted that our Sangria had always been his favorite for its bold flavor and the way it seemed to make a gathering more lively, more memorable. We chose this wine in that spirit; why should a wine be just about taste when it can warm the hearts of those you love as well." Wald reportedly became misty-eyed upon hearing the news that he had been the inspiration, saying, "I can't wait to get drunk in my own honor."

The events highlight, a public wine-tasting, was marred however, by an guerrilla marketing attack by the Franzia corporation. Unbeknownst to either Rossi or Wald, ever since the two had met, Franzia had been secretly recording their conversations in order to prevent losing market share to a new, unknown product. Under the assumption that Rossi had courted Wald into the deal, Franzia went after the next best thing: Wald's doppelganger, Al, better known as Nad to those who knew Dan. As the wine tasting was set to reach its climax, with Wald pouring the last glass of the bottle to toast to his friends, Al stormed the stage and proudly held up a 5 Liter box of "Franzia Knurd", an apparently new blend for the box wine company, prominently featuring Al on the cover. Quickly joined by a "street team" of attractive women in Franzia apparel, Al went on to talk about how Franzia's new wine was not only superior to Rossi's but that by simply drinking it, you would be better. Apalled by the outburst security escorted Al off the stage but not before he could recite the lines to the new Ying Yang Twin's single (apparently sponsored by Franzia), "Get Me Up In Your Box," which went, "I'll trade you this jug glass for a piece of that ass. When I get in your box I'm about to get knurd, make you scream so loud we teach the neighbors the word."

In the aftermath of the event, Rossi and Wald sat together sipping Drunk and talking about what to do next to promote the fledgling vintage. After discussing sponsoring an alternate anti-Franzia song, the discussion slowly denigrated into a conversation about the wine itself, ending in a frenzy of compliments with Wald stating, "Carlo, you're the best jug glass ever," shortly before passing out on the table.