Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Dan Wald Opens "Hello Kiddy Daycare Center"

El Segundo, CA

Citing long hours of work and mounting pressures to ship, Dan Wald took an about-face from the corporate world and opened a day care center. "I'm kind of like the new Mr. Rogers - each morning I get up, put on my pink jumper, tie my shoes and say 'hi there, would you like to go to the land of make-believe' to all the children that come in my door," stated Mr. Wald about the abrupt switch. Although Wald has no previous experience in daycare, his new business is steadily growing. "There's just something about a grown man wearing a little girl's pink Hello Kitty smock that warms my heart," said one mother who was dropping off her four year old.

Activities at the Hello Kiddy Daycare Center focus on enriching the mind. In one corner, children are encouraged to play with mock satellites. "No other daycare has satellites for the children to stress test - I mean explore," proudly explained Wald. In another corner children are encouraged to type whatever they want into multiple computers, which Wald describes, "children thrive on tactile response; seeing what they type come up on the screen is such a thrill to them. So far, they've come up with pages upon pages of nonsense, a few funny stories and at least two working satellite data synchronization programs. The story June wrote about her puppy Max was the best though." June's mother agrees that her daughter loves typing and was happy to see the crude but heart-warming story June had written. Other popular activities in the Hello Kitty Daycare Center include a large plastic slide, a rock-em-sock-em clown, and Dimension SST 3D printer, which uses ABS plastics to create real, working prototype models for quick product development. Wald hopes to purchase a computer-aided design station for the Dimension SST, as well as another larger slide because some children have already outgrown the smaller one.

For future plans, Wald is rather ambivalent, "I'd like to expand the daycare to a second, maybe even third, location. I could monitor them by remote cameras and have robots there to enforce discipline. Also, I'd like to move our business model to include the earlier stages of childhood, pre-K, post-natal - maybe even helping with conception - but those things are still a longs ways off. Beyond that, one day I might even return to systems engineering, but that probably depends on whether the satellites ever get debugged and those programs keep coming. The children are really what matter most."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Dan Wald Inspires New Carlo Rossi Wine

Modesto, CA

To help friends everywhere celebrate in a truly Dan Wald way, Carlo Rossi unveiled his new themed wine: "Carlo Rossi: Drunk". In a press release, Mr. Rossi explained, "I think it speaks right to the heart of why Wald and others like him gather together and celebrate with a nice glass of wine. They demand not only flavorful wine grown right here in California, but also a wine that inspires them to greatness. Since the late 90s our vineyard has been bottling new vintages in a search for what would become Carlo Rossi: Drunk. On a memorable visit, Mr. Wald and I were walking the grape fields and as we stretched our hands into the overflowing leaves while we strolled, Wald noted that our Sangria had always been his favorite for its bold flavor and the way it seemed to make a gathering more lively, more memorable. We chose this wine in that spirit; why should a wine be just about taste when it can warm the hearts of those you love as well." Wald reportedly became misty-eyed upon hearing the news that he had been the inspiration, saying, "I can't wait to get drunk in my own honor."

The events highlight, a public wine-tasting, was marred however, by an guerrilla marketing attack by the Franzia corporation. Unbeknownst to either Rossi or Wald, ever since the two had met, Franzia had been secretly recording their conversations in order to prevent losing market share to a new, unknown product. Under the assumption that Rossi had courted Wald into the deal, Franzia went after the next best thing: Wald's doppelganger, Al, better known as Nad to those who knew Dan. As the wine tasting was set to reach its climax, with Wald pouring the last glass of the bottle to toast to his friends, Al stormed the stage and proudly held up a 5 Liter box of "Franzia Knurd", an apparently new blend for the box wine company, prominently featuring Al on the cover. Quickly joined by a "street team" of attractive women in Franzia apparel, Al went on to talk about how Franzia's new wine was not only superior to Rossi's but that by simply drinking it, you would be better. Apalled by the outburst security escorted Al off the stage but not before he could recite the lines to the new Ying Yang Twin's single (apparently sponsored by Franzia), "Get Me Up In Your Box," which went, "I'll trade you this jug glass for a piece of that ass. When I get in your box I'm about to get knurd, make you scream so loud we teach the neighbors the word."

In the aftermath of the event, Rossi and Wald sat together sipping Drunk and talking about what to do next to promote the fledgling vintage. After discussing sponsoring an alternate anti-Franzia song, the discussion slowly denigrated into a conversation about the wine itself, ending in a frenzy of compliments with Wald stating, "Carlo, you're the best jug glass ever," shortly before passing out on the table.

Top five ways you know Dan Wald has just been on a Valentine’s Day date

5. Dan is constantly yelling, "I JUST WENT ON A DATE...WITH A GIRRRRRL!"
4. Dan is constantly mumbling something about Dr. Phil being a real asshole...
3. There is a red outline of a hand on Dan's face
2. Dan keeps asking to borrow some of your "Forget Me Now's"
1. Dan reeks of cocktail onions and pepper spray

Thursday, February 09, 2006

DS Not Seen For 3 Weeks

Avid DS watcher, Michael Kramer, has reported not seeing the DS at work (its natural habitat) in over 3 weeks. Considered an expert DS watcher by the community, Kramer claims there is no reason for alarm, but he is still concerned. “Anytime such a rare specimen like the DS goes unseen, it tends to get everyone’s panties in a bunch.” However, this is not the first time the DS has gone unseen for an extended period of time. Back in 2005 during the hectic “DS not seen for 3 months” phenomenon, the DS was not seen for 3 months but eventually reappeared healthy, in good condition, and drunk.

Typically the DS can be lured out of hiding by making DS calls such as “that is sweet” or “this is the most awesomest thing I have ever seen” as this will intrigue the DS to see what could possibly be so sweet or awesome. Kramer states that these DS calls have been unfruitful, and he has even resorted to a last ditch effort of throwing cans of Diet Mountain Dew out from his hiding spot. Unfortunately, sitting in the bushes and throwing cans out onto the sidewalk attracted the attention of security who forced Kramer to remove the cans before the DS could get the scent.

This span of disappearance has once again brought to light the question of the DS possibly being extinct. There is no data on the current size of the DS population, but many fear it might be down to one sole surviving member. Some claim that the DS really is extinct, and all the stories reported here are merely fictitious, fabricated only for the pleasure of others. Kramer disagrees with these assumptions. “The DS has only a few natural enemies: Non-diet Mountain Dew, the Brad, the planet Pluto, and women. If one of the predators were to kill the DS, I would put my money on the Brad, but it is highly unlikely that the Brad would be able to stir up the motivation to kill the DS.” Kramer reasons that there are still many other explanations for the DS’s disappearance besides extinction. According to Kramer, “all the walls and locked doors seem to be the most likely culprits at the moment.” Upon sighting the DS, Kramer plans to tranquilize it and sell it to a zoo.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


In a scandal that has rocked the LA efficiency scene, 2006 Efficiency Hall of Fame inductee and recipient of the Spiro T. Agnew Efficiency Recognition award has been sanctioned after posing for Playgirl Magazine.

“Frankly, we’re shocked and dismayed,” Efficiency Hall of Fame Chairman Anthony Rumson said. “Never has a community been split to the extent that the those of us in the Efficiency world have been by Waldgate.”

Wald, a “sure bet” 2006 inductee to the Efficiency Hall of Fame, posed in Playgirl’s racy February spread, entitled “Men of Efficiency… But Only In Some Activities, If You Know What We’re Saying.” Wald posed completely naked in one photo, and in limited garb in the remainder, including a chartreuse tasseled g-string with the words “Get ‘Er Done” crocheted on the front.

“It was a blast,” Wald said. In the spread’s accompanying article, Wald talked extensively about being Efficiency’s “bad boy.” “I drink, I cuss, I pose in softcore porn magazines… and I also design high-quality aircrafts. And I do it with time to spare, bitches.”

“It was without a doubt the most time-efficient photo shoot I’ve ever done,” Playgirl photographer Sally Fuxjaeger said. “And Wald just dominated the energy of the set.”

Not everyone had such glowing praise for Wald. Fellow 2006 Efficiency Hall of Fame inductee Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) admonished Wald’s behavior. “He was bestowed Efficiency’s highest honor, the Agnew award, and this is how he brings honor to our ideals. He should be ashamed of himself.” Lieberman also noted, “I’m damn efficient every day but the Sabbath… and you don’t see me going around showing my dong off for kicks.”

Wald did not express remorse for his decision. “I’m glad I did it. I’m doing all the ladies a favor.” When asked about the repercussions of his actions, Wald said, “They can kick me out if they want to. I’ll just start my OWN Efficiency Hall of Fame; have it up and running by 4 pm.”

Rumson states that Wald will not go without repercussions for his “flagrant and thoughtless behavior.”

“The allegations were made at 10 am, exactly, so we should have the committee convened by around 10:45. I would expect a decision by 1 pm,” Rumson said. After a pause, he noted, “They tend to be pretty on top of things.”

“This is a sad day for efficiency enthusiasts everywhere,” Rumson continued. “In our world, this is right up there with Vanessa Williams and Pete Rose.”

UPDATE: Wald IS the Wiretap!

Washington D.C. – Yesterday, in a shocking statement, it was confirmed that Dan Wald was the leak in the NSA wiretapping program. When investigators looked further into this breaking news, they soon discovered that not only was Wald the leak, but Wald was the actual wiretap himself. In the 90’s, the Clinton administration started a super secret program called Echelon to monitor international phone calls in the US. Scientist using 5-dimensional math only yesterday decoded what Echelon truly meant. See inserted picture.

For years, Wald has listened to every international phone conversation. When asked how it was humanly possible to monitor up to one million phone calls all occurring at the same time, Wald simply responded, “Look man, I’m a machine.” “Mr. Wald, wasn’t sleep an iss-.” At this point, Wald interrupted the reported and asked that he be referred to as “Mr. Machine” for all further questions. "Mr.....Machine, wasn’t sleep an issue for you?” To this Mr. Machine responded that sleep was “like my bitch,” and he did not need it. “I’m not addicted to sleep like the rest of the population…talk about some bitches.”

Oddly enough, members of the press still were not convinced that Wald was actually the supercomputer used to tap phone calls. When asked for more proof, Wald responded with, “If I wasn’t used to monitor all phone calls, then how else would I know that Princess Diana didn’t die in a car accident but was really killed by OJ Simpson? Or how would I know the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not a government conspiracy but really a type of low pressure system that forms over tropical waters?” Thrilled with the revelation of these facts, the reporters begged Wald for more info. “YOU guys want to hear something SWEEEEET? Croatia built a time traveling Death Star that ended up accidentally going back in time, crashing into earth, and killing all the dinosaurs.” After hearing this, all doubts of Wald being the NSA’s wiretap were laid to rest.

Before any more questions could be asked, Wald started to eat the podium he was standing behind, all the while mumbling “I’m a machine, I’m a machine.”

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Wald Leaks President Bush's Secrets

Culver City, CA -- Mr. Dan Wald, born outside of Kansas City, MO, was recently exposed by Condoleeza Rice and Alberto Gonzalez as the leak in the Natioanl Security Agency (NSA) wiretapping scandal. In a joint statement, Ms. Rice and Mr. Gonzalez were both visibly shaken as they announced that Mr. Wald was, in fact, the leak. The two went on to comment about Mr. Wald, "What can we do? We tried to keep him under wraps for as long as we could, but when someone so special just keeps asking, what can you do?"

However, the more politically damning part of the statement was made by Mr. Gonzalez. He said, "Condi and I can no longer keep him from the world. 23 years ago, we made a mistake, and that mistakes name was Dan Wald." After Mr. Gonzalez made the remark, Ms. Rice left the press conference, sobbing.

Mr. Wald, an overworking young man dedicated to, "awesomosity" and "neutrality" commented in response to the remarks, "Shit, I just had to leak the story, I figured that if I didn't, Dave Jurgens would really start questioning my identity as a Jew, and then, my cover would surely be blown."

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Dan Wald Wears Shirt So Orange, It's Illegal

Los Angeles

In a bold move of fashion protest, Dan Wald wore a shirt so orange that it was deemed illegal. "I thought this shirt was so fly that it had wings. WINGS, BITCHES," cited Wald for his modus operandi. Shortly after arriving to work, Dan Wald's shirt nearly burst into flame when subjected to flourescent light. His supervisors notified security who then attempted to remove this shirt but were foiled after their eyes melted out of their skulls when they got too close to Wald. This attempt was unknown to Wald who was at the time working.

Security then set up a perimeter around Wald, while assault welders in full welding gear moved closer in hopes of plating Wald's shirt with a special lead smock. Wald genially rebuked their attempt claiming, "why you gotta ruin my style. I got this shirt in an amazing deal online. Their clothing selector said I destined to have this shirt based on my awesome color coordination. Lead is not the color of awesomosity - orange is." Wald got his wish, as the smock turned liquid and fell off after only a few seconds of contact with the shirt. Raytheon scientists, stunned by the turn of events, debuted their new cryogenic freezing system by trying to isolate Wald's shirt in the liquid nitrogen chamber. His supervisors explained to him that he had to do more work in the new prototype lab (really the cryo chamber), but Wald foiled their ruse thinking it was one of their many attempts to try and get him to go home from work by shipping him in a giant box. Shrugging their shoulders, Raytheon scientist Jim Mathers acknowledged, "there's nothing we can do about that shirt with our current technology. However, if we were ever needing a way to reignite the Sun, that shirt would surely do. That shirt might even prevent the eventual heat death of the universe." Largely ignoring the swirl of media, security and now-blind coworkers surrounding him, Wald kept his head down and powered through the work he had to do, even managing to come home from work early, as the main complex where he worked had to be evacuated.

Wald's garish sense of style was later condemned by most of the EU and several members of NAFTA. The president motioned for a new law to ban the use of such shirts, claiming that they could be used for terrorism, saying, "the freedom of expression, no matter how orange it is, cannot trump the basic right of humans to see, like with eyes that haven't been blinded by that [horrible] orange." Wald has reportedly rehung the shirt in his closet, stating that he wants to wear it at least one more time before washing it in case the colors fade.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Wald Announces Intention to Photosynthesize

In his weekly self-proclaimed “I’m The Shit” press conference, Efficiency Hall of Fame member Dan “Wunderkind” Wald has announced that he is going to swear off conventional forms of nourishment and commence photosynthesis.

“Hey, Larry. ‘Sup, Jeanne. Jose, you’re lookin’ sharp,” a Versace-clad Wald said, greeting reporters as he entered the press conference in a chariot. “Shit, bitches, you guys are gonna love what I got for you today.”

Wald, 23, announced that he has, through his “powers of concentration,” found a way to convert the sun’s light into glucose and water. Wald joins the ranks of all green plants, some bacteria, and some protistans as a result of this development.

Wald, who has in a span of a few weeks, exerted his dominance over several prominent rappers, mastered the engineering of the sparrow, “reached maximum MP,” overcome certain death from poisonous mushroom intake, photographed Kate Moss, survived a porridge attack, thwarted his roommates with a stepladder, and made millions on his own stock, looks to best his accomplishments by becoming completely nourishment self-sufficient. He intends to do so without the requisite structures of most auto-feeding organisms, such as chloroplasts, cell walls, and spongy mesophyll cells.

“Sure, I know the chemical formula for converting sunlight to nourishment… it’s 6H20 + 6CO2 ---> C6H1206 + 6O2. But it’s not like I need to consciously think of that when I do it,” Wald noted. “I just wonder what I’m going to do with all the extra O2’s!” Several reporters burst into involuntary laughter at Wald’s wisecrack.

UCLA’s Botany Department, who has recently assigned Dr. Yolanda de la Suarez to Wald’s physiology, expressed expressed surprise at the photosynthesis in general, but not that Wald is the party attempting it. “They said it couldn’t be done, but they also said that about takin’ out Ja Rule,” de la Suarez, the director of the Dan Wald Institute for the Study of Dan Wald, said. “Sure, there’s no way in conventional or unconventional or even surreal or even fictional science that a human could produce glucose from sunlight… but this is a person who reached maximum MP. I’m not even really sure what that means…. but he did it.”

Wald cited relatively simplistic reasons for this astoundingly revolutionary event. “It’s not like I’m really into glucose or something… I mean, I like to eat. I pretty much just want to see if I can do it.” Wald then turned on a heat lamp, began visibly salivating, and commented, “Damn, that’s good.”

Riley Jackson, a regular at Wald’s almost-weekly conferences, was impressed by his latest accomplishments. “He’s almost getting kind of cocky,” Jackson said, as he watched Wald receive a large golden key from the Mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa. “But he’s just so fucking awesome that you kind of understand why.”

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Groundhog Sees Own Shadow, Wald Unimpressed

Punxsatawney, PA -- As the official weather forecast for the rest of winter has finally been released from Knob Hill, the home of the famed and infamous groundhog simply named Phil, a cloud loomed over Culver City, near Los Angeles, CA. The dark cloud appeared to be a direct assault on one Mr. Dan "DS" Wald from the proud and oversized rodent in response to Mr. Wald's comments from the previous several years.

For a small amount of history on the situation, Mr. Wald has hated the Groundhog for years, calling it his, "Life's work" to "bring down the mockery and tomfoolery that is the groundhog, I mean, what is he anyway, a rodent with a microphone? He reminds me of one of those things from the Princess Bride." However, the rivalry between Mr. Wald and Punxsatawney Phil has escalated based upon the following comments Mr. Wald made at a press conference on February 2, 2005:

I mean, what is this thing, anyway? Shit, an oversized rat? And why can he predict the weather, and I can't? Forget that, I will make a prediction right here and now, winter is over--as over as the life of that miserable, fat rodent. That movie about wasn't even about him! And what about that stupid actor who's career basically ended after that movie. I blame you, Phil, and I therefore declare a cold war on you!

While Mr. Wald was smiling and laughing through much of the press conference a friend who wished to remain unitenfied said, "I know that DS is deadly serious about hating on that groundhog. I once tried to make burritos with him, and when the burritos turned out a little soggy, he told me that my supply to ether was done and that he was going to leave me as a roommate and go to Australia. What a douche!"

The prospect of a cold war, was confusing to many at the press conference, but Mr. Wald answered questions saying, "Let's just say I've been working on a laser and that I'm gonna blow him off the face of the earth when it's done." When pressed about the fact that his explanation seemed more like a declaration of real war, Mr. Wald simply said, "Shiit, I'm gonna git you next, sucka." This explanation, coupled with the fact that Bill Murray, the actor from Groundhog's Day has actually gone on to lead a very successful acting career has lead many, including one of Mr. Wald's current roomates, Mr. Bradley Clark, to question his sanity. Says Mr. Clark, "I mean, fucker gets all pissed when we hit him in the nuts and throw pies at him. what's up with that?"

In a clear challenge to the legitamacy of Punxatawney Phil, Mr. Wald declared that he was planning on getting a Ficus that lives on "ether" and gives weather reports daily.

Neither Punxatawney Phil, or his spokesman, that fat guy in the silly hat, could be reached for a comment.