Dan Wald Opens "Hello Kiddy Daycare Center"

El Segundo, CA

Citing long hours of work and mounting pressures to ship, Dan Wald took an about-face from the corporate world and opened a day care center. "I'm kind of like the new Mr. Rogers - each morning I get up, put on my pink jumper, tie my shoes and say 'hi there, would you like to go to the land of make-believe' to all the children that come in my door," stated Mr. Wald about the abrupt switch. Although Wald has no previous experience in daycare, his new business is steadily growing. "There's just something about a grown man wearing a little girl's pink Hello Kitty smock that warms my heart," said one mother who was dropping off her four year old.

Activities at the Hello Kiddy Daycare Center focus on enriching the mind. In one corner, children are encouraged to play with mock satellites. "No other daycare has satellites for the children to stress test - I mean explore," proudly explained Wald. In another corner children are encouraged to type whatever they want into multiple computers, which Wald describes, "children thrive on tactile response; seeing what they type come up on the screen is such a thrill to them. So far, they've come up with pages upon pages of nonsense, a few funny stories and at least two working satellite data synchronization programs. The story June wrote about her puppy Max was the best though." June's mother agrees that her daughter loves typing and was happy to see the crude but heart-warming story June had written. Other popular activities in the Hello Kitty Daycare Center include a large plastic slide, a rock-em-sock-em clown, and Dimension SST 3D printer, which uses ABS plastics to create real, working prototype models for quick product development. Wald hopes to purchase a computer-aided design station for the Dimension SST, as well as another larger slide because some children have already outgrown the smaller one.

For future plans, Wald is rather ambivalent, "I'd like to expand the daycare to a second, maybe even third, location. I could monitor them by remote cameras and have robots there to enforce discipline. Also, I'd like to move our business model to include the earlier stages of childhood, pre-K, post-natal - maybe even helping with conception - but those things are still a longs ways off. Beyond that, one day I might even return to systems engineering, but that probably depends on whether the satellites ever get debugged and those programs keep coming. The children are really what matter most."

Dan Wald Inspires New Carlo Rossi Wine

Modesto, CA


To help friends everywhere celebrate in a truly Dan Wald way, Carlo Rossi unveiled his new themed wine: "Carlo Rossi: Drunk". In a press release, Mr. Rossi explained, "I think it speaks right to the heart of why Wald and others like him gather together and celebrate with a nice glass of wine. They demand not only flavorful wine grown right here in California, but also a wine that inspires them to greatness. Since the late 90s our vineyard has been bottling new vintages in a search for what would become Carlo Rossi: Drunk. On a memorable visit, Mr. Wald and I were walking the grape fields and as we stretched our hands into the overflowing leaves while we strolled, Wald noted that our Sangria had always been his favorite for its bold flavor and the way it seemed to make a gathering more lively, more memorable. We chose this wine in that spirit; why should a wine be just about taste when it can warm the hearts of those you love as well." Wald reportedly became misty-eyed upon hearing the news that he had been the inspiration, saying, "I can't wait to get drunk in my own honor."

The events highlight, a public wine-tasting, was marred however, by an guerrilla marketing attack by the Franzia corporation. Unbeknownst to either Rossi or Wald, ever since the two had met, Franzia had been secretly recording their conversations in order to prevent losing market share to a new, unknown product. Under the assumption that Rossi had courted Wald into the deal, Franzia went after the next best thing: Wald's doppelganger, Al, better known as Nad to those who knew Dan. As the wine tasting was set to reach its climax, with Wald pouring the last glass of the bottle to toast to his friends, Al stormed the stage and proudly held up a 5 Liter box of "Franzia Knurd", an apparently new blend for the box wine company, prominently featuring Al on the cover. Quickly joined by a "street team" of attractive women in Franzia apparel, Al went on to talk about how Franzia's new wine was not only superior to Rossi's but that by simply drinking it, you would be better. Apalled by the outburst security escorted Al off the stage but not before he could recite the lines to the new Ying Yang Twin's single (apparently sponsored by Franzia), "Get Me Up In Your Box," which went, "I'll trade you this jug glass for a piece of that ass. When I get in your box I'm about to get knurd, make you scream so loud we teach the neighbors the word."

In the aftermath of the event, Rossi and Wald sat together sipping Drunk and talking about what to do next to promote the fledgling vintage. After discussing sponsoring an alternate anti-Franzia song, the discussion slowly denigrated into a conversation about the wine itself, ending in a frenzy of compliments with Wald stating, "Carlo, you're the best jug glass ever," shortly before passing out on the table.

Wald Leaks President Bush's Secrets

Culver City, CA -- Mr. Dan Wald, born outside of Kansas City, MO, was recently exposed by Condoleeza Rice and Alberto Gonzalez as the leak in the Natioanl Security Agency (NSA) wiretapping scandal. In a joint statement, Ms. Rice and Mr. Gonzalez were both visibly shaken as they announced that Mr. Wald was, in fact, the leak. The two went on to comment about Mr. Wald, "What can we do? We tried to keep him under wraps for as long as we could, but when someone so special just keeps asking, what can you do?"

However, the more politically damning part of the statement was made by Mr. Gonzalez. He said, "Condi and I can no longer keep him from the world. 23 years ago, we made a mistake, and that mistakes name was Dan Wald." After Mr. Gonzalez made the remark, Ms. Rice left the press conference, sobbing.

Mr. Wald, an overworking young man dedicated to, "awesomosity" and "neutrality" commented in response to the remarks, "Shit, I just had to leak the story, I figured that if I didn't, Dave Jurgens would really start questioning my identity as a Jew, and then, my cover would surely be blown."

Dan Wald Wears Shirt So Orange, It's Illegal

Los Angeles


In a bold move of fashion protest, Dan Wald wore a shirt so orange that it was deemed illegal. "I thought this shirt was so fly that it had wings. WINGS, BITCHES," cited Wald for his modus operandi. Shortly after arriving to work, Dan Wald's shirt nearly burst into flame when subjected to flourescent light. His supervisors notified security who then attempted to remove this shirt but were foiled after their eyes melted out of their skulls when they got too close to Wald. This attempt was unknown to Wald who was at the time working.

Security then set up a perimeter around Wald, while assault welders in full welding gear moved closer in hopes of plating Wald's shirt with a special lead smock. Wald genially rebuked their attempt claiming, "why you gotta ruin my style. I got this shirt in an amazing deal online. Their clothing selector said I destined to have this shirt based on my awesome color coordination. Lead is not the color of awesomosity - orange is." Wald got his wish, as the smock turned liquid and fell off after only a few seconds of contact with the shirt. Raytheon scientists, stunned by the turn of events, debuted their new cryogenic freezing system by trying to isolate Wald's shirt in the liquid nitrogen chamber. His supervisors explained to him that he had to do more work in the new prototype lab (really the cryo chamber), but Wald foiled their ruse thinking it was one of their many attempts to try and get him to go home from work by shipping him in a giant box. Shrugging their shoulders, Raytheon scientist Jim Mathers acknowledged, "there's nothing we can do about that shirt with our current technology. However, if we were ever needing a way to reignite the Sun, that shirt would surely do. That shirt might even prevent the eventual heat death of the universe." Largely ignoring the swirl of media, security and now-blind coworkers surrounding him, Wald kept his head down and powered through the work he had to do, even managing to come home from work early, as the main complex where he worked had to be evacuated.

Wald's garish sense of style was later condemned by most of the EU and several members of NAFTA. The president motioned for a new law to ban the use of such shirts, claiming that they could be used for terrorism, saying, "the freedom of expression, no matter how orange it is, cannot trump the basic right of humans to see, like with eyes that haven't been blinded by that [horrible] orange." Wald has reportedly rehung the shirt in his closet, stating that he wants to wear it at least one more time before washing it in case the colors fade.

Groundhog Sees Own Shadow, Wald Unimpressed

Punxsatawney, PA -- As the official weather forecast for the rest of winter has finally been released from Knob Hill, the home of the famed and infamous groundhog simply named Phil, a cloud loomed over Culver City, near Los Angeles, CA. The dark cloud appeared to be a direct assault on one Mr. Dan "DS" Wald from the proud and oversized rodent in response to Mr. Wald's comments from the previous several years.

For a small amount of history on the situation, Mr. Wald has hated the Groundhog for years, calling it his, "Life's work" to "bring down the mockery and tomfoolery that is the groundhog, I mean, what is he anyway, a rodent with a microphone? He reminds me of one of those things from the Princess Bride." However, the rivalry between Mr. Wald and Punxsatawney Phil has escalated based upon the following comments Mr. Wald made at a press conference on February 2, 2005:

I mean, what is this thing, anyway? Shit, an oversized rat? And why can he predict the weather, and I can't? Forget that, I will make a prediction right here and now, winter is over--as over as the life of that miserable, fat rodent. That movie about wasn't even about him! And what about that stupid actor who's career basically ended after that movie. I blame you, Phil, and I therefore declare a cold war on you!

While Mr. Wald was smiling and laughing through much of the press conference a friend who wished to remain unitenfied said, "I know that DS is deadly serious about hating on that groundhog. I once tried to make burritos with him, and when the burritos turned out a little soggy, he told me that my supply to ether was done and that he was going to leave me as a roommate and go to Australia. What a douche!"

The prospect of a cold war, was confusing to many at the press conference, but Mr. Wald answered questions saying, "Let's just say I've been working on a laser and that I'm gonna blow him off the face of the earth when it's done." When pressed about the fact that his explanation seemed more like a declaration of real war, Mr. Wald simply said, "Shiit, I'm gonna git you next, sucka." This explanation, coupled with the fact that Bill Murray, the actor from Groundhog's Day has actually gone on to lead a very successful acting career has lead many, including one of Mr. Wald's current roomates, Mr. Bradley Clark, to question his sanity. Says Mr. Clark, "I mean, fucker gets all pissed when we hit him in the nuts and throw pies at him. what's up with that?"

In a clear challenge to the legitamacy of Punxatawney Phil, Mr. Wald declared that he was planning on getting a Ficus that lives on "ether" and gives weather reports daily.

Neither Punxatawney Phil, or his spokesman, that fat guy in the silly hat, could be reached for a comment.