Dan Wald in Horrible Accident - Re-emerges as Neutral As Ever
[Los Angeles, CA]
After being involved in a classified accident at work, Dan Wald bonded with some foreign substance - rumored to be a satellite - and became the most neutral super hero of all. "I'm back, I'm like Payload," said Wald, neutrally of course, when asked about his transformation.
Reporter: Since become the ultimate savior of a heathen populace, You have lifted up the forgotten members of the populace in the most neutral of ways.
Wald: I see them on the street and then offer to carry them places for a fare proportionate to their living wage.
Reporter: Since you tower above men like a god among ants, do you favor managed health care for them or individualized?
Wald: either way
Reporter: You've been reported to carry beached whales on your back only to eat them later. Has your transformation affected you more mentally or physically?
Wald: both, really.
Reporter: As the supreme ruler of living beings, which comes first during the Final Battle? Punch vs. Kick?
Wald: subjective. depends on the context.
Reporter: Before ascending into a glory the likes of which man can never depict lest he be slain by his own mind in an effort to rend the perfect image from memory out of the anguish of knowing that no one shall ever achieve what you do here on earth in your most meager of efforts where your very existence creates a harmony among the nations, stops global warming, and causes children to hold hands while singing praises of your greatness, could you comment on Dedication vs. Awesomeosity?
Wald: each is necessary for the holy triumvirate.