Dan Wald Loves Kittens

Washington, DC--In a stunning break from neutrality, Dan Wald, who notoriously refused to take sides in the door-breaking fiasco, has come out publicly with a statement regarding his affection for baby cats:

"I can keep silent no more. I love kittens. They are so cute, that I cannot help but love them."

With that, three spectators' heads exploded because of the moral complexities with Mr. Wald taking sides on any issue. Mr. Wald refused to say if he liked or disliked anything else, by ominously replying to questions, "no comment."

Dan Wald in Horrible Accident - Re-emerges as Neutral As Ever

[Los Angeles, CA]

After being involved in a classified accident at work, Dan Wald bonded with some foreign substance - rumored to be a satellite - and became the most neutral super hero of all. "I'm back, I'm like Payload," said Wald, neutrally of course, when asked about his transformation.

Reporter: Since become the ultimate savior of a heathen populace, You have lifted up the forgotten members of the populace in the most neutral of ways.

Wald: I see them on the street and then offer to carry them places for a fare proportionate to their living wage.

Reporter: Since you tower above men like a god among ants, do you favor managed health care for them or individualized?

Wald: either way

Reporter: You've been reported to carry beached whales on your back only to eat them later. Has your transformation affected you more mentally or physically?

Wald: both, really.

Reporter: As the supreme ruler of living beings, which comes first during the Final Battle? Punch vs. Kick?

Wald: subjective. depends on the context.

Reporter: Before ascending into a glory the likes of which man can never depict lest he be slain by his own mind in an effort to rend the perfect image from memory out of the anguish of knowing that no one shall ever achieve what you do here on earth in your most meager of efforts where your very existence creates a harmony among the nations, stops global warming, and causes children to hold hands while singing praises of your greatness, could you comment on Dedication vs. Awesomeosity?

Wald: each is necessary for the holy triumvirate.

Dan Wald Interrupts Library's Children Reading Session with Important Fact

[Santa Monica, CA]

Upon seeing a group of children reading Shel Silverstein's seminal work, "Where the Sidewalk Ends," Dan Wald brought it upon himself to relay an important engineering fact to the aptly-listening children. "Hold up, librarian," announced Wald to the woman who was in fact not a librarian, but just a local volunteer, "this book is going to get these children killed if they don't learn what's real and what's not." Seizing the book from the aghast woman's hand and waving it garishly at the children, Wald pointed to the front cover featuring Silverstein's depiction of several children peering of the edge of a sidewalk. "This," demanded Wald, "this will get you dead." Pointing to one of the children, Wald demanded that they inform him what was wrong in the picture. After the children began crying Wald stated that he too was crying on the inside due to the lack of facts. "Children," continued Wald, "the tolerances on this side walk are too low to support two children and a dog simultaneously. Moreover, I suspect that not even a single child would be safe on such a precipice! You must beware of low tolerances if you wish to live." Wald then instructed the volunteer to "try teaching these children some facts," and promptly continued on to the yoga section to pick up the book his yoga class instructor had asked them to read a week earlier.

Dan Wald Lands Movie Role

[Studio City, CA]

Dan Wald is set to play The King Of All Cosmos in the new movie Katamari is for the Children. The movie centers on The King of All Cosmos's attempt to unite the world by rolling up every child into a giant ball. Playing The King of All Cosmos's son, The Prince, will be Macaulay Culkin. We were lucky enough to get a brief interview with Mr. Wald on the set of the movie.

Tribute: The King of All Cosmos has some pretty big shoes to wear. What got you into this role?

Mr. Wald: Oh Tribute, you look well today. Have you been working out? We never workout for We are the King, after all. It is enough exercise ... flying ... around.

Tribute: The director has said that your dedication to the project has helped produce some moving scenes. Can you talk more about what this involved?

Mr Wald: Dedication is a thing of the past. Pandas are the future. But it is no wonder that We should know that since we can see all the pandas while we fly about the Cosmos. We are ... enlightened ... about pandas.

Tribute: Mr. Culkin commented earlier about the costumes for the movie. Do you find it difficult to act in character?

Mr. Wald: The pandas are in ... costume ? This is unusual for We have seen them from the Cosmos. What do you say Tribute, will you unmask as many pandas as you can in 5min? [yes/no]

Tribute: One last question, some critics have argued that this movie should receive a stronger rating since it conveys cartoonish violence against children, yet you and the director have campaigned strongly for a PG rating so this could be a family movie. What do you see children gaining from this?

Mr. Wald: RAINBOW ROAD!        Loading is so boring.... 3.141592 ... Something about pies? We are hung"

Special #1: Waldisms

Waldisms involve Dan Wald at his quixotic best. When taling to Dan Wald, one must suspend all reason and logic. Only delay reaction will serve as your guide. A typical Waldism has Dan Wald saying something only to either openly have contradictory statements and/or circumstances easily at hand or has Dan Wald saying something that he knows cannot be true in any way but he believes is true without regard what he has said.

[overheard]


Dan Wald: I hate the smell of baby diapers.
Brad Clark: Then why did you get the baby-powder spray as the bathroom freshener?
...

fin.

Dan Wald: [prepares passover-kosher matzo ball soup, then places it in the refridgerator]
Brad Clark: why is the matzo ball soup in the fridge?
Dan Wald: oh, I'm letting the matzo balls rise.
...

fin.

Dan Wald Unveils New Era In Physics.

[Los Angeles, CA]

"I had like 8 cats spinning around me because I had this can of Whiskas in my hands and then all of a sudden it dawned on me: Fact: I'm Awesome. If you make that in math terms, you get F=IMA. I added to F=MA, bitches!" explained Dan Wald. Wald then proceeded to dance around shouting "F equals IMA. It's the fucking greatest man. It'll get you fucked up - it'll get you haters laid."

Spurred on by the incident, Wald launched a grass roots campaign to educate scientists about his discovery. "I started a Cafe Press store where you can buy a tshirt that says F=IMA," said Wald. Wald's trusty replacement from the future, RoboDS 3000 had taken up this cause as well stating that it was necessary to prevent the possible ice-age from lack of awesomeosity as well as, "In commutative land, AMI=F is you!" Local scientists are ecstatic about the new result saying it will usher in a new understanding of the world around us and may significantly impact the development of the grand unified theory, as represented by this random sampling of scientists comments:

Dr. Zvi Bern	I heard Wald once proved he was not a triangle. Since he has some street cred, I suppose he's probably on to something here. Physicists should probably examine how this could affect electron mobility in GHK fields. Well, that or get some sweet first edition tshirts to show we were on board from the start.
Dr. Walter Geckelman	Gravitons are the particles responsible for mediating the force of gravity. You can learn about them in your local library.
Dr. Rainer Wallny	So what's the big deal? Many people have known Newton's first law since eight grade (or earlier); and if prompted with the first few lines could probably recite the law word for word. And what is so terribly difficult about remembering that F = ma? It seems to be merely a simple algebraic statement for solving story problems. The big deal however is not the ability to recite the first law nor to use the second law to solve problems; but rather the ability to understand their meaning and to believe their implications. While most people know what Newton's laws say, many people do not know what they mean (or simply do not believe what they mean). The addition of the the ideal gas constant (8.314 34 J/K/mol.) does little to aid in the comprehension although it makes for an amusing mnemonic. I give Wald a B- for creativity.
Dr. Ian McLean	I am currently trapped in the land of trees and shadows. Please send help.
Dr. E. Dan	In math, typically 'i' denotes imaginary things, like imaginary numbers. I assume that Dan Wald's new equation is actually stating that his awesomeosity is made up. Really, sometimes I wonder why we have an Anti-DS group at all...Sabotaging him is like trying to decide whether You Got Served or Roll Bounce is a better movie.

Dan Wald Reappears in Book About Hemingway's Cats

[Los Angeles, CA]




While flipping through the pages in his local library, RoboDS 3000 unleashed a torrent of rainbows and amazement as Dan Wald crawled forth from the book it had just pulled off the shelf.

Dan Wald, having been trapped in an alternate ascii universe by the Anti-Dan supervillian group, was rescued by his would be replacement from the future. At the scene were Mr. Clark and Mr. Jurgens. "This wasn't really supposed to happen. Now we have two DS's to deal with," sighed Mr. Clark, "and where are we going to put all of their empty DMD cans?" Mr. Jurgens went on to explain what happened, "lately, RoboDS 3000 has gone from frog-on-a-rock-dumb to filty-ape-with-a-stick sentient, and he's started asking questions. After he saw some old newpaper clipping about a wrestling school, he won't shut up about the Waldemar Estate and what was their role in the Final Battle. So we did the most logical thing and told him to go visit our local library and not come back. Of course, the library closes at night and doesn't want him there, so they call us to come pick him up and what happens - rainbows everywhere and then Dan appears again. worst. library. ever."

Unwittingly, while searching for the Waldemar Estate's role in the Final Battle, RoboDS opened the book Hemingway's Cats: An Illustrated Biography in which Dan Wald had been trapped. "I'm back! like Payload," exclaimed Wald, who then proceeded to list names for cats he was soon to own. "Bonobo and Saffron are my favorite," announced Wald. RoboDS 3000 also agreed, saying, "cats are the tits in Vegas." Mr. Jurgens led both Walds out the door where the two continued their talk on cat names with Dan Wald saying, "Mushaboo was so cute. I can't wait to have him back" to which RoboDS 3000 commented, "In Vegas, Mushaboo tits is you!" Mr. Clark had no comment as he was busy trying to figure out how to get a large print version of the book into which he could stuff both Walds.

Anti-Dan Alliance Traps Dan Wald in Alternate Ascii Universe

Alternate Ascii Universe / Culver City, CA

Dan Wald remains in good humor despite being trapped in an alternate universe.

Late Tuesday night Dan Wald awoke to a startling revelation - his body was transformed into ascii characters. The only record of a similar circumstance was the boy who in the 1980s A-Ha music video was transformed into squiggly lines in an alternate world where he protected a similarly drawn girl from squiggly thugs. The band A-Ha, long since washed up as one-hit wonders, had no comment and even if they did, it would've been in German, which no one speaks.

A spokesperson from the Anti-Dan alliance claimed responsibility for the act. Notorious Anti-Dan activist Evil Dan identified himself as the purpetraitor stating, "It's been a while since DS got wrecked by anything other than work or lack of DMD. I figured this was easier than destroying the world's DMD supply, so off he goes to the land of his beloved emoticons. Doesn't it make you want to T_T." Other members of the Anti-Dan alliance, Nad, the new spokesman for Franzia, and Spot, the 7-UP mascot, were on hand to offer murmured "damn right" and "let him suck ascii cock" in the background as Evil Dan spoke.




Dan Wald is actively working on getting out however, "if I remember the movie Tron right, I just need to find some lite-bikes and keep racing. Or was that light-brites? I just gotta keep my head down and power through and I'll stop some evil corporate hackers trying break my firewall to uh .. get into my .. data or something." Upon finishing his statement Mr. Wald coughed and sent

         
       ,'/ //      
      /// // /)
     /// // //|
    /// // ///
   /// // ///
  (`: // ///
   `;`: ///
   / /:`:/
  / /  `'
 / /
(_/

flying from the alternate ascii universe. Scientists are currently working to verify whether Mr. Wald's statement had any relevance to his present plight.

Back at the Waldemar Estate, things have returned to normal. In a surprise turn of events, RoboDS 3000 returned carrying several cases of DMD. "It turns out that Albertson's was out, so RoboDS 3000 ended up walking around asking for DMD until someone showed him a store where he could get more," explained Mr. Clark. Mr. Clark and Mr. Jurgens are now taking turns dropping off RoboDS 3000 for work at Raytheon while Dan is absent. "Someone has to pay his share of the rent. Even though the robot can only says like 8 phrases, RoboDS 3000 apparently has enough skill to pass for Dan at work," stated Mr. Jurgens. "Plus, he makes karaoke hilarious. Picture him repeatedly singing to 'I'm back, like Payload to Parliment's 'We Got the Funk' and you have a good idea of why the future's awesomeosity is in good hands with us," added Mr. Clark.

Although Dan Wald's actual whereabouts are unknown, artists have been able to create a rendition of Mr. Wald in his current state:

####################################################
####################################################
######################KKKK##########################
##############WWEEGGDDGGEEWW########################
##########KKGGjjiiii;;;;ttDDDDDDDDKKWW##############
########KKjjjjii;;,,,,::::;;;;;;iittttGGWW##########
########GGjjtt;;;;,,::::..::::::,,;;iijjDD##########
####WWDDffjjii;;,,::::........::,,;;iittffDD########
####DDjjjjtttt;;,,::::........::,,,,;;ttffLLEE######
####DDjjjjttii;;,,,,::::......::::,,iittffLLEEWW####
####GGffttii;;,,,,,,::::......::::;;iittjjLLEEWW####
####GGffGGDDLL;;,,::::::......::,,;;iiiittffGGWW####
####LLEEWWEEEEKKii::....::......::;;;;iiiijjDDWW####
KKWWGGGGjjttttffEEff::  ::::::::,,;;;;iiGGKK##WW####
KKWWLLffGGDDDDGGLLDDjj::::..::;;iiiiLLKKEEKKWWWW####
WWWWKKGGffEEKKKK##DDDDff::..,,iiGGDDDDKKKKKKKKWW####
WWEELLffjjjjjjttLLGGLLDDLLiiLLEEDDDDKKKKWWKKEEWW####
WWEEffffttiittttttjjjjGGii,,jjEEjjjjjjffLLDDEEWW####
KKEEffjjttttiiiittjjffjj;;;;iiDDLLjjttjjjjjjDDEE####
EEEEffjjtt;;,,;;iittii,,,,;;;;iiLLLLffjjjjLLLLKK####
iiEEffjjtt;;,,,,;;iitt;;,,;;iittttiiiiiittffLLEE####
;;DDffjjttii,,;;iittjjii;;;;ttffffiiiiiittffGGEEDDGG
;;GGffjjiiii;;iiiittjjtt;;;;ttjjLLiiiiiittffDDKKEELL
;;GGjjttiiiittttttttffffii;;jjGGffttttiittffDDWWWWLL
;;GGjjiiiittjjjjttjjjjffffffLLLLffjjttttttffDDWWWWLL
;;jjjjttiijjjjttttttttjjttjjffffLLGGffjjttffDDWWEEjj
;;ffffttttffjjDDDDjjffjjttttttjjffLLGGffjjffGG##GGjj
,,ttGGjjttjjffEEff;;,,iiiittjjttDDKKGGLLjjffEE##fftt
,,,,GGffjjffjjDDGGff,,::....::;;GGKKGGGGffGGWWKKjjjj
,,,,ffDDjjLLffDDEEDDjjjjttiijjjjKKEEEEDDffDD##GGjjjj
,,,,;;EEGGffjjffEEEEDDGGGGDDEEEEEEEEEEDDGG##DDffjjtt
,,,,;;LLKKDDGGjjffDDDDffttLLEEEEEEDDDDEE##DDiiffjjjj
,,;;iiffGGDDKKLLttffffffLLLLGGGGGGGGEE##EE;;;;ffjjjj
::;;ttjjjjLLDDKKjjttttttjjjjjjffffDD##WW;;;;;;ffffjj
::,,ttjjttffffDDDDjjjjjjjjjjjjffGG####ffffLLLLLLffjj
::,,ttjjttjjLLGGDDKKGGffGGLLGGGG####ffttttjjttjjjjjj
,,,,;;jjtt;;jjLLDDDD######KKKK##EEjjttttttjjttjjjjjj

Anti-Dan Alliance member Spot added to the description:

8===D ~~~* Dan Wald