Dan Wald in Horrible Accident - Re-emerges as Neutral As Ever

[Los Angeles, CA]

After being involved in a classified accident at work, Dan Wald bonded with some foreign substance - rumored to be a satellite - and became the most neutral super hero of all. "I'm back, I'm like Payload," said Wald, neutrally of course, when asked about his transformation.

Reporter: Since become the ultimate savior of a heathen populace, You have lifted up the forgotten members of the populace in the most neutral of ways.

Wald: I see them on the street and then offer to carry them places for a fare proportionate to their living wage.

Reporter: Since you tower above men like a god among ants, do you favor managed health care for them or individualized?

Wald: either way

Reporter: You've been reported to carry beached whales on your back only to eat them later. Has your transformation affected you more mentally or physically?

Wald: both, really.

Reporter: As the supreme ruler of living beings, which comes first during the Final Battle? Punch vs. Kick?

Wald: subjective. depends on the context.

Reporter: Before ascending into a glory the likes of which man can never depict lest he be slain by his own mind in an effort to rend the perfect image from memory out of the anguish of knowing that no one shall ever achieve what you do here on earth in your most meager of efforts where your very existence creates a harmony among the nations, stops global warming, and causes children to hold hands while singing praises of your greatness, could you comment on Dedication vs. Awesomeosity?

Wald: each is necessary for the holy triumvirate.

Dan Wald Interrupts Library's Children Reading Session with Important Fact

[Santa Monica, CA]

Upon seeing a group of children reading Shel Silverstein's seminal work, "Where the Sidewalk Ends," Dan Wald brought it upon himself to relay an important engineering fact to the aptly-listening children. "Hold up, librarian," announced Wald to the woman who was in fact not a librarian, but just a local volunteer, "this book is going to get these children killed if they don't learn what's real and what's not." Seizing the book from the aghast woman's hand and waving it garishly at the children, Wald pointed to the front cover featuring Silverstein's depiction of several children peering of the edge of a sidewalk. "This," demanded Wald, "this will get you dead." Pointing to one of the children, Wald demanded that they inform him what was wrong in the picture. After the children began crying Wald stated that he too was crying on the inside due to the lack of facts. "Children," continued Wald, "the tolerances on this side walk are too low to support two children and a dog simultaneously. Moreover, I suspect that not even a single child would be safe on such a precipice! You must beware of low tolerances if you wish to live." Wald then instructed the volunteer to "try teaching these children some facts," and promptly continued on to the yoga section to pick up the book his yoga class instructor had asked them to read a week earlier.

Dan Wald Lands Movie Role

[Studio City, CA]

Dan Wald is set to play The King Of All Cosmos in the new movie Katamari is for the Children. The movie centers on The King of All Cosmos's attempt to unite the world by rolling up every child into a giant ball. Playing The King of All Cosmos's son, The Prince, will be Macaulay Culkin. We were lucky enough to get a brief interview with Mr. Wald on the set of the movie.

Tribute: The King of All Cosmos has some pretty big shoes to wear. What got you into this role?

Mr. Wald: Oh Tribute, you look well today. Have you been working out? We never workout for We are the King, after all. It is enough exercise ... flying ... around.

Tribute: The director has said that your dedication to the project has helped produce some moving scenes. Can you talk more about what this involved?

Mr Wald: Dedication is a thing of the past. Pandas are the future. But it is no wonder that We should know that since we can see all the pandas while we fly about the Cosmos. We are ... enlightened ... about pandas.

Tribute: Mr. Culkin commented earlier about the costumes for the movie. Do you find it difficult to act in character?

Mr. Wald: The pandas are in ... costume ? This is unusual for We have seen them from the Cosmos. What do you say Tribute, will you unmask as many pandas as you can in 5min? [yes/no]

Tribute: One last question, some critics have argued that this movie should receive a stronger rating since it conveys cartoonish violence against children, yet you and the director have campaigned strongly for a PG rating so this could be a family movie. What do you see children gaining from this?

Mr. Wald: RAINBOW ROAD!        Loading is so boring.... 3.141592 ... Something about pies? We are hung"