Friday, February 03, 2006

Wald Announces Intention to Photosynthesize


In his weekly self-proclaimed “I’m The Shit” press conference, Efficiency Hall of Fame member Dan “Wunderkind” Wald has announced that he is going to swear off conventional forms of nourishment and commence photosynthesis.

“Hey, Larry. ‘Sup, Jeanne. Jose, you’re lookin’ sharp,” a Versace-clad Wald said, greeting reporters as he entered the press conference in a chariot. “Shit, bitches, you guys are gonna love what I got for you today.”

Wald, 23, announced that he has, through his “powers of concentration,” found a way to convert the sun’s light into glucose and water. Wald joins the ranks of all green plants, some bacteria, and some protistans as a result of this development.

Wald, who has in a span of a few weeks, exerted his dominance over several prominent rappers, mastered the engineering of the sparrow, “reached maximum MP,” overcome certain death from poisonous mushroom intake, photographed Kate Moss, survived a porridge attack, thwarted his roommates with a stepladder, and made millions on his own stock, looks to best his accomplishments by becoming completely nourishment self-sufficient. He intends to do so without the requisite structures of most auto-feeding organisms, such as chloroplasts, cell walls, and spongy mesophyll cells.

“Sure, I know the chemical formula for converting sunlight to nourishment… it’s 6H20 + 6CO2 ---> C6H1206 + 6O2. But it’s not like I need to consciously think of that when I do it,” Wald noted. “I just wonder what I’m going to do with all the extra O2’s!” Several reporters burst into involuntary laughter at Wald’s wisecrack.

UCLA’s Botany Department, who has recently assigned Dr. Yolanda de la Suarez to Wald’s physiology, expressed expressed surprise at the photosynthesis in general, but not that Wald is the party attempting it. “They said it couldn’t be done, but they also said that about takin’ out Ja Rule,” de la Suarez, the director of the Dan Wald Institute for the Study of Dan Wald, said. “Sure, there’s no way in conventional or unconventional or even surreal or even fictional science that a human could produce glucose from sunlight… but this is a person who reached maximum MP. I’m not even really sure what that means…. but he did it.”

Wald cited relatively simplistic reasons for this astoundingly revolutionary event. “It’s not like I’m really into glucose or something… I mean, I like to eat. I pretty much just want to see if I can do it.” Wald then turned on a heat lamp, began visibly salivating, and commented, “Damn, that’s good.”

Riley Jackson, a regular at Wald’s almost-weekly conferences, was impressed by his latest accomplishments. “He’s almost getting kind of cocky,” Jackson said, as he watched Wald receive a large golden key from the Mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa. “But he’s just so fucking awesome that you kind of understand why.”

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