UPDATE: Wald IS the Wiretap!
For years, Wald has listened to every international phone conversation. When asked how it was humanly possible to monitor up to one million phone calls all occurring at the same time, Wald simply responded, “Look man, I’m a machine.” “Mr. Wald, wasn’t sleep an iss-.” At this point, Wald interrupted the reported and asked that he be referred to as “Mr. Machine” for all further questions. "Mr.....Machine, wasn’t sleep an issue for you?” To this Mr. Machine responded that sleep was “like my bitch,” and he did not need it. “I’m not addicted to sleep like the rest of the population…talk about some bitches.”
Oddly enough, members of the press still were not convinced that Wald was actually the supercomputer used to tap phone calls. When asked for more proof, Wald responded with, “If I wasn’t used to monitor all phone calls, then how else would I know that Princess Diana didn’t die in a car accident but was really killed by OJ Simpson? Or how would I know the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not a government conspiracy but really a type of low pressure system that forms over tropical waters?” Thrilled with the revelation of these facts, the reporters begged Wald for more info. “YOU guys want to hear something SWEEEEET?
Before any more questions could be asked, Wald started to eat the podium he was standing behind, all the while mumbling “I’m a machine, I’m a machine.”