Wednesday, February 08, 2006

UPDATE: Wald IS the Wiretap!

Washington D.C. – Yesterday, in a shocking statement, it was confirmed that Dan Wald was the leak in the NSA wiretapping program. When investigators looked further into this breaking news, they soon discovered that not only was Wald the leak, but Wald was the actual wiretap himself. In the 90’s, the Clinton administration started a super secret program called Echelon to monitor international phone calls in the US. Scientist using 5-dimensional math only yesterday decoded what Echelon truly meant. See inserted picture.

For years, Wald has listened to every international phone conversation. When asked how it was humanly possible to monitor up to one million phone calls all occurring at the same time, Wald simply responded, “Look man, I’m a machine.” “Mr. Wald, wasn’t sleep an iss-.” At this point, Wald interrupted the reported and asked that he be referred to as “Mr. Machine” for all further questions. "Mr.....Machine, wasn’t sleep an issue for you?” To this Mr. Machine responded that sleep was “like my bitch,” and he did not need it. “I’m not addicted to sleep like the rest of the population…talk about some bitches.”

Oddly enough, members of the press still were not convinced that Wald was actually the supercomputer used to tap phone calls. When asked for more proof, Wald responded with, “If I wasn’t used to monitor all phone calls, then how else would I know that Princess Diana didn’t die in a car accident but was really killed by OJ Simpson? Or how would I know the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not a government conspiracy but really a type of low pressure system that forms over tropical waters?” Thrilled with the revelation of these facts, the reporters begged Wald for more info. “YOU guys want to hear something SWEEEEET? Croatia built a time traveling Death Star that ended up accidentally going back in time, crashing into earth, and killing all the dinosaurs.” After hearing this, all doubts of Wald being the NSA’s wiretap were laid to rest.

Before any more questions could be asked, Wald started to eat the podium he was standing behind, all the while mumbling “I’m a machine, I’m a machine.”


Blogger Juggernaut, the said...

excellent f1r5t p0st.

where is your entrance exam post though? inquiring minds want to know

1:15 PM  
Blogger LV said...

who is kramer?
Kramer, whoever you are, good first post. bordering on idea plagiarism, but good nonetheless.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Meredith said...

Ahhhhhh, the hotly anticipated Wunderkid posts.

Glad to have ya onboard, Brah.

[appropriate response a la Zoolander: "And I'm not your 'brah.'"]

9:04 PM  

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