Wald Considering Taking a Yoga Class
Culver City—In a characteristically open-minded move, Dan Wald announced today that he’s considering taking a yoga class.
“I mean, I’m not gonna like, become some damn hippie or anything,” Wald clarified. “I’m talking one class. I just, you know, think it might be cool.”
Among Wald’s reasons for taking a class include improving his flexibility and finding a venue for stress relief. “I always came in last in the sit and reach in middle school, and I really want to stick it to those fuckers.” When alerted to the fact that yoga classes tend to attract limber women in tightly fitting clothes, Wald responded, “I’m in it for the enlightenment, man. You think Buddha always thought with his dick?”
Wald is considering the Intro to Yoga class at two different venues, Desert Lotus and West End Yoga and Wellness. “That lotus one is close to work, but West End is where I get my reiki done.” Wald allegedly began reiki treatment, an Eastern form of touch healing, in October to ease discomfort caused by a mild case of irritable bowel syndrome.
Wald was referred by co-worker Darren Johnston, who noticed an increase in Wald’s stress level after several ninety hour weeks. “Yeah, Dan’s been kind of tightly wound since they implanted that tracking device in his neck,” Johnston said, of Raytheon administration. “Now they can find him anytime. He runs everywhere he goes, even if it’s just back and forth to the bathroom, and he’s been injecting himself in the neck with Epi-Pens ‘for the adrenaline rush.’ I’m worried about the dude.”
Wald denied the impact of his 90 hour weeks, saying that he’s merely at a place in his life where he’s interested in spirituality. “Yeah, man, I read the I Ching, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, The Book of Mormon, and the cliff’s notes to the Shariyat-Ki-Sugmad, but that yoga stuff looks pretty sweet.” Wald also noted that he would consider staying for the Intermediate African Dance class directly afterwards.