Dan The Protagonist: Three Short, Surrealist Plays
*SENSE AND SENSIBILITY*
Dan: [coyly] But I don't DO meth, Condoleeza!!!
Condoleeza Rice: [insensitively] Shut the fuck up and braid that salmon, Wald.
*THE BIGGEST OF THE BANGS or "Les avocats sont doux"*
Obstetrician: Mrs. Wald.... he's a beautiful, bouncing, baby boy!
Baby Dan: [brandishes an avocado][sotto voce] We have nothing to fear... but fear itself.
Mrs. Wald: [kisses baby's forehead]
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Anybody vant their vindows vashed?
*BULIMIA IS NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART*
Dan The Photographer: [with camera] Work it for me, baby.
Kate Moss: Anything for you, Dan.
Tiger: [Eats Kate Moss]
Dan The Photographer: You owe me a roll of film, Tiger.