BIOENGINEERING MAVERICK MASTERS SPARROW ANATOMY
LOS ANGELES [REUTERS]: In a groundbreaking aviation and biology development, Daniel Wald, 23, of Kansas City, has successfully recreated the biomechanics and flight properties of a sparrow.
Engineers and biologists alike have long been baffled by the intricate, precise structure of the petite bird, and have spent millions of research dollars and manpower attempting to simulate its features. Wald accomplished the engineering marvel without any federal or private grants and only with the support of his housemates. (According to Wald, they contributed mainly by making taunting remarks that only fueled his determination and providing him with copious amounts of a "mystical science elixir." Wald refused to further comment on the elixir.) Says Wald: "Shit, mannnnn, it's just a sparrow."
Among the many design challenges Wald overcame was the simultaneous necessary lightness and strenghts of the sparrow's internal skeleton. This problem has vexed engineers for decades, says Dr. Spencer Robb of Harvard. "Nature has proven to be a better designer than man in almost every instance," Robb said in a 2003 interview. During a Tuesday press conference, Wald countered this claim, stating, "I made Mother Nature my bitch this week.... and Spencer Robb can kiss my Raytheonic ass too." Dr. Robb declined to comment.
Wald has been working for Raytheon in Los Angeles for over a year, and the company has filed a claim on his patent per the company's intellectual property laws. Wald is countering the suit in an attempt to retain legal rights to his designs. Wald states that he wants to create an enormous engineered sparrow colony on one coast that would wage war against an enormous engineered sparrow colony on the other coast, in a megadeathmatchbattle that would result in the complete obliteration of one engineered sparrow colony. When during his press conference Wald was reminded by Dr. Janice Horvath of USC's ornithology department that sparrows are communal and peaceful birds, Wald swept his microphone off the table and stated, "Look, bitch, who's the sparrow mastermind here, you or me?"
Wald stated that his other plan for the sparrow blueprints was to hold out to sell to the highest bidder. "I want to buy a bunch of shares of GOOG or Whitney Streisand VORP Fallopian Sunderfield. Yeah."
Wald says that his current animal engineering project is an ostrich with bigger-than-usual testicles.